melindacooksey

Sleep, glorious sleep.

Published on September 6, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So some of you may or may not know I have become quite a night owl due to the post chemo steroids and then injections, and then just the aftermath of it leaving my body. It’s about 7-10 days of mindless nothingness and is some what annoying.

On Tuesday or Wednesday of last week I went to see a lovely woman called Fiona, who practises Reiki, I was late (standard) but as a fellow breast cancer sufferer she spoke to me anyway and gave me a top tip about lavender and it can help you sleep! 2 drops of oil on a tissue (which I did and popped it under my pillow after I sniffed it a few times) or on the pillow case (no more as it will cause over stimulation) and it can also make your hair grow back quicker ( I’m not sure if that is through rubbing it on or sniffing it .well I am already finding coconut oil a good speed inducer for hair growth).

So I dutifully enjoyed my chat and mini reiki with Fiona and will be going back for more! (She is wonderful gives 3 free sessions to other women who have gone through / or going through breast cancer and really cares).

So off I popped home, had treatment, and scurried off to the shop I have bough spiritual stones and gifts from in the past but today I was there to see if the lady behind the counter sold lavender oil… Which she did! Hoorarh 🎉 she also told me a purple amethyst stone under my pill (after I cleansed it in water) would help me sleep and calm my energies. So dutifully I purchased the two that cost me all of £3! Well worth the trip to but them.

So last night, after my new advice (gentle telling off from my nurse) I took my steroid tablets earlier 7am and 6pm (it’s meant to be before 2pm but I forgot) I took two sleeping pills that my onchologist recommended. I used my old eye mask trick and ear plugs and I was alsleep from 12 – 8am (missing my steroid by an hour but I got up straight away and took them!

So I’m feeling pretty happy that I trusted in my normal methods of doing it all and something or all of it will work. But I have to say the lavender was a lovely peaceful smell to have by me. Very calming and relaxing I would advise anyone to get some lavender and an amethyst crystal! For £3 it really can’t hurt giving it a try.

Chemo 7: the last one!

Published on September 4, 2015September 4, 2015 by melindacooksey4 Comments

The last chemo, done and dusted today and I don’t plan to sit in that comfy chair ever again!
I’m currently sat drinking water and feel maybe I should have some cocktails, champagne or prossecco but water is doing the trick! Maybe I will have a celebratory drink later on.
Thing is its not really over yet. I still have to deal with the injections (7 of them) which I hate, the tablets; not to mention the aches and pains and mouth and stomach trouble!
But it’s not all bad, they took out my picc line, after making my onchologist and the nurse laugh yesterday.

Nurse “Dr Price, melinda wanted her picc line out tomorrow After chemo, can we do this.”
Dr P ” not really melinda, what if you get an infection, or have to come back in so forth (I’m paraphrasing here!)”
Me giving a really good puppy eyes ” but I am going away for a couple of days in a couple of weeks, just in this country and there is a hot tub that I want to go in and I can’t with the picc line”
Nurse and Dr P look at each other, smiled and then started giggling at me!
Dr P ” well you haven’t had any infections throughout, so we’ll, since there’s a hot tub, I don’t see it being a problem taking it out, and if anything happens we can cannulate you anyway ”
Me “yeahhhh, thank you!”
Dr P then walks away chuckling at me. 🙈 whilst the nurses carries on tsking my bloods.

Honestly I’m a nightmare, me and my district nurse chatted so much in the morning about nothingness that we forgot the bloods and just flushed my picc line, so after my onchologist (Dr P) appointment I went to get them done from the chemo ward next door. And they did bless them.

All the nurses in the chemo suite are so nice, they always smile, joke with you, chat to you, give you tea and coffee and offer you sandwiches and biscuits. They are just really good people in there! So if any of the nurses or Dr P are reading this, so if you are thank you for being so kind and treating me like a human, a dippy, happy, smiley probably annoying human! 😘

And my biggest thanks and continued thanks goes to everyone around me that takes an interest, that reads my blog, my Facebook page and comments, it does actually mean a lot to me; my friends that call, message and visit me to come chat rubbish and just be themselves and don’t treat me any differently; to my family who make a long drive to come to see me every week, my mom who on top of this messages me everyday, to my sister who is now sending me more photos of the kids which I love seeing. But, most of all I am thankful for my rock, my guardian angel, my nurse, cleaner, house wife, driver, chef, everything and more…. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to cover the amount of help she has given me and the amount she changes her life around to make sure when I need her she is there! So basically she is an angel (mostly 😂). Love you more than cheese my girl, and you know how much I love cheese 😂😂😂.

This heat though!

Published on August 22, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

Omg this heat today has killed me! I’ve been feeling sick since last night my back is killing me, my head is throbbing, my mouth is all swelled up and I’m getting hot flushes in 30 degree heat! I want to strangle the sun! How old do I sound … 31 going on 101!

I know, I know, I normally love the heat but this tax chemo and me are not getting on and just look at his smug smiley sunny face! 😡😡😡😂😂😂😂

I’m currently lay in a dark room with the window wide open and a fan blasting on me! But alas I’ll moan when it’s cold …. You watch! I’m so British aren’t I! 🙈😂

But on another note, if I wasn’t feeling so hot and bothered and pained…. mentally I am feeling a lot better and am even looking forward to my mouth being better so I can eat all the pork scratchings my mom and dad bought me last night! Yes pork scratchings… I love them! A proper Black Country snack straight from the butcher! No they probably aren’t organic but they are butchers ones not packet ones! 🙈

They came to see me after my hospital appointment yesterday that ran a bit late when me and Cassie got chatting in a toilet to a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient from the same town as where I am living! Then we played supermarket sweep and then raced home!

Positives this week…my dad is finally feeling a bit better so he could drive them to see me! And I went out bald… No hat, no scarf, no wig! Cooksey’s are on the up!

Blog version 29… Cute puppy alert!

Published on August 20, 2015 by melindacooksey1 Comment

That’s it, I can’t blog today or all week. I’ve tried so many times my head hurts as much as my back now and my hands are dead from holding the phone in this position!

I have to many ramblings in my head… If anyone would like a debate a random muzzing conversation about judgement, food, fitness professionals, mob mentality, life after cancer, being 31, needing a tan, loving monster munch or wants to bring me a cup of tea…. Feel free to pop in!

Thanks

Melinda

P.s. This is the crappest blog post ever! I tried, I failed, I have nothing and too much to write about all at the same time!

P.p.s here’s a photo of a puppy to make you smile!

Food glorious food.

Published on August 16, 2015 by melindacooksey1 Comment

So I’m trying to be healthy … Ish… While I can. The steroids have finished and this worries me! As last time they finished I was basically in bed for a week solid in agony, and I’m scared this will happen again!

So I’m trying to do my oil pulling of coconut oil for 15 minutes, I have new mouth thrush mouthwash, my white blood cells injections have been delayed until Monday and hopefully cross fingers I will feel bit better this time around!

I also got so down that I have picked back up my old antidepressants up but I really want counselling not tablets but I’m going to try and to resist taking them and really pick up on my brain health in other ways. Food, herbs, oil pulling, everything I can do to keep my brain functioning a little happier and healthier.

But who knows. What will be will be.

So today I have oil pulled with coconut oil for 15 minutes, and had my left over organic food from yesterday! (Reheated in the pan not the microwave!)

chicken thighs pan backed in herbs, with organic veggie medley of squash, tomatoes, red onions, mushrooms.

Left over organic veggie medley with added black olives and crispy bacon.

It’s true, you probably aren’t meant to say it. I am good, I am a winner, I am strong… But I am! I know I’m not meant to, but I find myself tonight watching a film that made me cry, AGAIN, seriously how can every film seem to have cancer in it, seem to have family and friends and seem to make me cry. It’s not normal. Or maybe, just maybe it is.

I am scared of chemo 6. Tax 2. I admit tax 1 got me, it had me in bed for what felt like a week but was probably more like 5 days. Not straight away but as the oncologist said on Monday just gone, when the steroids wear off the pain starts, “can you do this?” Of course my answer is “YES”. My answer has always been yes to hard questions, I’ve had my fair share of pain in the past. And I’ve always gone at it, I’ve always dealt with it, quietly and appropriately.

God, I would loose a race (I used to run fast on the track) I’d spend the next two days in bed sobbing I hadn’t run to my potential and by Tuesday, my first track session, I would get up and arrive at the track for 6.30pm I would take the banter of the group (God how I miss them all!) and I would warm up and coach (Rog) would say to me “a technique session or a speed endurance session” the answer… Always….. A speed endurance session, I would train so hard I would be sick half way through, or have an asthma attack and have to be helped to breathe and I would stop being sick or regain my breathe and be back on that track. That’s me……. That’s melinda….. That is an athlete….. That is a fighter…. ( all athletes respond this way, well I’d say most, a tear shed, then a training session to make you feel pain so hard in your legs only an athlete can understand ….. Or so you think….. Chemo is a deeper pain, it hits your bones your muscles, teeth, cheeks, finger nails, but all my life I prepared myself for pain.

Running isn’t just it, I remember being told my sister was the pretty one, my sister was the clever one, I was the sporty one…. When probably she was all of them but God I tried, I studied I would be up until 3-4am studying to get my psychology degree, my masters in marketing, I then went on to do bikini competitions (blatantly to get some sort of recognition for being pretty) and never placed out the top 2 except once I came 5th and once I came second call out in nationals (with a home made bikini, and I knew no one p, I had no influence, I just worked my ass off) so I beat all the things people told me I wasn’t, with obviously my battles along the way!

What does this have to do with crying at movies and being scared about my next chemo and how much it hurts, well deep down I know. I know that I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’m the fighter, I can take the battle, and emotionally I couldn’t cope seeing someone I love, someone close to me go through it.

I applaud every single person that lets me tell them I’m having a crap day, that I’m in pain, stressed, upset, that lets me cry to them because 90% of people I know, don’t see the fear, or the pain, they don’t need to see it, because what do I gain from telling them, pity, yeah I do want it sometimes, attention, yeah i do want that sometimes too, but I wasn’t raised that way. And good old British working class values stick with you.

My good old British response to most people “I’m fine/ I’m good, thanks” some times I say “I’m a bit tired” but that’s as far as it gets to most, because I’m a fighter and a winner and winners and fighters don’t moan, they get on with it and in the words of Nike they ‘just do it’.

I have had so many battles in my life, not just on the running track, not just studying, but I am too much of a winner to give a blog all my pain, all my suffering and all my joy too, as let’s be honest probably if I’m lucky 12 people read it, that’s if I’m lucky read!

One day I’ll write a book, one day I’ll get 100 comments on a blog, or 1000 likes on my Facebook page and Instagram, who knows! Crazier things have happened! But while I write this, and I live through this, at least I know I’m the right girl for the job, scared …..f&£k yeah! A quitter….. NEVER!

So, Chemo 6 tomorrow, a steroid induced hot flush….. A dread in my belly, a tear in my eye, and a fight in my soul….. So here goes the next 7 days. To my rock – cassie, to my mom and dad, sister, bro -in -law, nephews , to my amazing friends – you know who you are…. I’ll make a list when it isn’t midnight and I need to sleep ( but needed to write this blog off my head, that’s been spinning inside for the last hour of the film) , to my chemo buddy, to my pink sisters, to my well wishers, to the good people of the world…. Let’s just keep fighting and winning our battles, doing the right thing, and being water (Taoism).

Realisation.

Published on August 1, 2015 by melindacooksey5 Comments

So I woke up this morning, as you do 😂 (funny aren’t I!🙈😂), and had a sort of realisation. This last week since having my new chemo last Friday called Docetaxel (tax for short!… It’s in all the forums and Facebook groups! I had to ask to be sure though 🙈),I have felt awful, I mean it, every cell in my body has ached, I fell over on the weekend and that didn’t help as I cut my hands, bruised my ankle and cut my knee, but on top of that I have just honestly felt awful.

I’m not one for pain killers but I had to take them to just ease the pain to sleep. My head, throat, teeth, bones, muscles everything seriously everything hurt I actually cried with pain one night because I couldn’t feel it easing it just wouldn’t shift. But a lot of it has and although my long bones ( collar bones, back, thighs, rib cage ) and head still ache, mostly it has calmed down and is manageable! All those DOMS days from the gym have put me in good practise for this battle.

Anyway, back to my realisation, so I’m not painting a pretty picture of the last week really, but on top of this money became a big worry and is ongoing for me, so on top of the aches I was trying to help sort someone out, worry about my financial position and just deal with you know those random situation where you are involved and just help and do what you feel is the right thing.

So cryptic message complete 😂😂😂 and Once again back to the realisation……this morning I woke with a smile and a thought and posted it on Facebook to more than a hundred likes (I was really happy about that! So thank you to my friends who liked it! As mostly what I say on my personal page is nonsense)….

…. Here it is…….. “I’m a pale, bald little chubster that aches like a granny…. But I have never been in such a good head space! I have such amazing people around me!”

It’s true, all of the above is true, I’m not happy with my weight or how I look but I seriously feel happy. I ache, I hurt but I’m happy and it’s weird and amazing to feel like it!

And following on from that I posted on a breast cancer forum………. ” I’m going to say this crazy thing that probably makes half of you want to punch me in the face but honestly apart from the pain, the aches, being bald, pale, chubbier than before, flat broke, I have come to realise how lucky I am. When the money stress and pains hit the background I stop and think how amazing the people I have around me are. And how amazing we all are. I honestly feel more comfortable just being me. Not trying to be a tanned blonde bikini model I once was. I just feel content that I am me and people like me. I don’t have to do anything to make them. I can be miserable and horrible somedays and people still want to be my friend. I am officially being real for the first time ever! Xxx love you all xxx big love for Saturday go treat yourself to a break with a brew and cake today xxx🙈😁”

And again I got nearly 100 likes and lots of comments, lots of women agreeing with me and high fiving me rather than wanting to punch me.

Because it seems I’m not the only one to have the penny drop…… That life is for living, for the people we have in it ….. Not for trying to impress, trying to be a CEO and be a powerful workaholic it is for making memories. It is for laughing and smiling and making laughter lines around your eyes.

What this god awful disease has done for me, is give me perspective, I was near my break point when I got diagnosed, I had broken the year before and I was ready to break again, and cancer took the only thing I felt I had left…. My health and my body.

I will never look in a mirror and see the girl I once was, she has gone but I’m no shell of a girl crying in a corner, and I realise just how much I needed a reality check…. And I have got it from the highest order. I am finally real.

I am grateful to all the amazing people around me, to my family to my chosen family (friends), acquaintances that give support, other ladies battling on, to everyone that supports me and other people battling on and those that haven’t well I literally don’t care. I haven’t overanalysed why some people don’t like my posts on social media, why certain people don’t seem to bother to get in touch, I truly don’t care. Because the friends that do Are the ones I want. The people that care are who matter.

And I matter, I matter whether I am tanned, blonde bikini model and athlete who works a high powered job with a good salary …. Trying to make it to the top of the corporate world…and I matter as a bald, pale, chubbier, non-worker ( I’m on sick leave so one day I will be back at a desk, but not for a little while).
I am finally able to like myself more than ever, whether I have kids or I don’t ….. I know plenty of kids so if I don’t get my own I can screw up everyone else’s 😂😂😂 my sister better watch out I’m blatantly going to be the bad aunty 🙈😂)

Of course I have my dark days but they are fewer and farer between than ever, they go quicker than they did. And of course I stress but it takes more, and I do stress less. But I’m present, I watch a film and watch it, I eat food and enjoy it, I fully appreciate the trees, the blue skies the 5 minutes I got earlier to put a face mask on.

And although I am mostly sleepy, or useless I feel happier in myself and there is no amount of money in the world that could have bought me this feeling of pure, unadulterated blissful realism.

Sometimes you have to go through a whole load of crap, to appreciate what you have.

But if anyone can learn from my lessons….. Enjoy yourself, love yourself and be real to yourself. Take five minutes to be grateful for what you have today. Xxxx

The C Personality.

Published on July 14, 2015March 22, 2018 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

All day I have been contemplating what it takes for someone to be mean, are they born with it or did they grow up into it. At some point surely someone had to have just been born like it…… And then they created other people’s environments. So it is both?

This then led me to contemplate……Is it true that we all have cancer in us? I’ve heard many people say everyone does! and it is the unlucky minority that unfortunately provide the cancer cells the environment to grow.

So why does cancer thrive in some people and not others? Is it random? Is it a certain type of person?
I read a book sometime ago and it cited ‘the type C Personality’, the five characteristics are:

– Always putting others first
– low self -esteem
– bottling up emotions
– living in fear
– harbouring resentment

Interesting, I can relate! Can other cancer patients?

Always putting others first….. I’m easy going and a people pleaser….. It’s a fatal combination that means you do what others want, you eat where they want even when you have a craving for Indian you’ll end up at a Chinese because you just don’t speak up, as you just do what they want…… watch what they want, and just go along with it. You do their paper work before your own, do their jobs before your own, sort what they need and want first.

Bottling emotions. Tick. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing it though. I did.

Living in fear … Yep, I did that for a time.

Harbouring resentment. Here’s a little story. A woman who was previously a friend, was a bit sly I won’t go into details but her closing statement to me in a message was “well they will just cut it out of you and it will all be over.” I haven’t seen this woman since this message, and I’m not entirely sure if I would say anything but I would love to as that comment was bitter and the fact is they never just cut it out of you and it’s over. I bet there are no women or men alive that haven’t been affected by the diagnosis. It changes you! Plus I’m currently bald from chemo so clearly that didn’t happen for me!

The C Personality is ME. Wait, was ME.

I have twice in the past month requested where I eat, because I wanted to enjoy and fulfil my craving. (This might seem small but literally I just never do this!)

Emotionally….. Well I’m more of an open book than I have ever been and I hope it continues. I don’t pretend to be super happy all day every day anymore. I’m not, fact, and that has absolutely diddly squat to do with chemotherapy, that is me, I’m not super happy, I get sad, I get angry, I get silly, I get happy….. I’m all the emotions….. But I will always smile and be polite, even if I’m now telling you I’m miserable with it!

Fear? No I don’t fear cancer, i don’t fear death, i do think about death, I do think about a lot of things but I don’t have any major fears. I am not scared of any one person, disease or place. Spiders are a whole separate issue though!

Resentment. Now this one, this one I find tricky, I don’t resent anyone person or situation intensively that it consumes me. I do probably, if I am honest resent certain things from my past. And like my little story above, I don’t resent her…. But I haven’t forgotten what she said. And I do think there is a difference.

I believe I am stronger now than ever before. Because cancer opened my eyes to myself.

What I’m saying in a round about way is that maybe just maybe cancer is in us all, like they say, and some people, like me with the C personality nurture the cancer and give it an environment to grow.

But you can change the environment you live in, and you can change the environment your cells live in, and we are just a mass of millions of cells. So, if I improve my esteem, open up more, forget my fears, let go of past wrongs and just accept myself and my needs as important then maybe, just maybe I will be cancer free for the rest of my time in this world.

A toxin free environment isn’t just about the foods, products and chemicals we are in contact with daily ( although I advise anyone to take a Look on their bathroom shelf and sort what they eating out) …… It’s our brains as well. And when you start to believe you are a good person and a nice person and a friendly person and a worthwhile person then I think you are half way there to being cancer free for life. And to be honest just better off.

Natural Remedies.

Published on July 8, 2015 by melindacooksey1 Comment

Obviously, as you can see from my previous moans and groans… I am a wanna-be toxin free mind and body kind of girl. I try my best to be 100% but I’m sure even the most confident people in the world have a shake of mind and spirits and want to eat pizza!

The toxin free, clean (mostly) eating in itself is a personal choice and I don’t force it upon anyone although I actually do recommend trying it. As for me I have found some great natural remedies along the way and been shocked by what I used to put on and into my body! Obviously I still have a flutter with ice cream, a drink, and have the odd pizza or other junk food! I am only human!

But as I am on a crap load of unnatural, man-made drugs to rid me of any Cancer still left in this body, I try to not use all the medication they provide to stop the side effects. I do use the anti-nausea items because seriously I hate being sick and that would cause me so much stress to be throwing up after each chemo for hours. I made that choice and I will stick to it.

But so, basically, when dealing with chemo and breast cancer surgery and etc etc you are told no deodorants. There is a lot of crap in those standard deodarants and well let’s be honest…. Do you still moan you smell at the end of the day girls? Yep, most girls I know do! But not me…. Little miss hippy over here makes her own and I don’t smell! …. I literally mix the amazing (sometimes it seems to good to be true) organic coconut oil and bicarbonate of soda together! And I am smell free for the day….. Also you can use this same mixture as a toothpaste to remove stains … Forget expensive toxic bleaching and give the 80p bicarbonate of soda from the supermarket a go!

I also use bicarbonate mixed with alkalising salts to clear my bowels. I know gross! But seriously constipation is the worst from chemo and sickness medication, it hurts, it makes you feel 10 years older, you feel frumpy and just down right poo! (Pardon my pun). Now I used to use bicarbonate of soda as an alkalising buffer when I was a sprinter and personally stumbled upon the, then adverse effects of the 80p supermarket goody, when someone else mixed my drink for me and made it too strong and I subsequently ran to the toilet not around the running track fast! But should anyone want a performance aid that is natural and buffers lactic …then do some research as there is a proper measure to use…. From memory I believe I used to use….. 1g to every 10kg body weight 90mins pre track session and 30 mins pre track session… I didn’t do this for long as I had a few car accidents and then quit so never competed on it but double check its ok to race on and see how it works in training for all sports where ‘you hit the wall, get lactic, feel the burn’ … Or just use it as a good clear out for the intestines! 😱🙈 but be careful of you have heart conditions I don’t recommend using too much if you are salt sensitive!

Organic Coconut oil…. My favourite thing…. Seriously stranded on a dessert island I would take this … Or I guess learn to crack open coconuts and make my own! … It can be used to pull the bacteria and toxins from the body by swilling it in the mouth for 15mins, it makes your teeth whiter, skin softer, apparently scars heal faster (I’ll let you all know on this … Bio oil never worked for me so I will see if this works!) and my hair grow faster, which my hair is now growing and I look like a fluff ball!

On top of this… You can cook in it and eat it! And yes when on Keto diets and desperate for chocolate I have had the odd teaspoon of coconut oil straight from the jar as pudding!

I literally have a jar in what feels like every room!

And just as a bonus to this post here is a little positive meme from the ladies of young breast cancer forum who I chat with regularly on Facebook!

Grumpy, Tired, & Useless.

Published on July 6, 2015July 6, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.

A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go 😩 of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.

I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!

I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.

Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!

So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!