breast cancer – Toxin Free Living

Cancer…..

Published on March 1, 2016March 22, 2018 by melindacooksey4 Comments

I said to myself a few weeks ago I wasn’t going to keep writing about cancer and feelings and being one of those emotional bloggers.

I was going to become one of those popular bloggers that write reviews about the multitude of products they use, and how to apply make up to look like a Kardashian. But here I am again, writing about cancer.

! And I suppose I am not giving much hope to all those out there about to embark on the journey, that it is doable (please note it is doable and I am just having a ‘fear’ day, and that any lady reading this who has survived, or is going through treatment will know is normal).

I spent my day yesterday, my mother’s birthday (whom I did not tell)in hospital waiting to be seen by a doctor, a man who effectively poisoned me and radiated me with beams of light to rid me of a disease that could of killed me. I waited 2 hours, due to him running late, to be told I need bone scans.

No, don’t worry or I’m sure it isn’t anything, or no it isn’t the bone the GP has it wrong. A chat, another appointment with him in 6 weeks, blood tests and a bone scan request. Since chemo and radiotherapy have finished I have already had my first ever filling, chronic pain in my left breast and numb finger tips (further investigation pending – it’s either carpel tunnel – common apparently after chemo or nerve damage again thanks to chemo!)

Best case scenario from this bone scan is I have weak bones due to radiotherapy, worst case scenario secondary cancer, and somewhere in between lies the potential that I have a broken rib due to weakness from a treatment for a disease that invaded my body and wont seem to fully leave me alone!

To be told this, whilst you see all the leap year Meme’s on facebook, stating use your extra day wisely, get engaged, blah blah blah, and knowing that if you hadn’t been in the hospital you would have visited your mom on her 60th Birthday, well F*&ked me right off.

This time last year, I got diagnosed with cancer, I didnt really beleive the concerns, I was too fit, to healthy, but the day I got diagnosed (my sister’s birthday) whilst i was in the waiting room, I felt that wind blow across my body, you know the one you see in the films, that means something is about to happen. I felt that all knowing feeling and knew before they even told me, that I had cancer. In my lifetime I never want to feel that again!

yesterday, and today I have felt scared. What if I am designing a help system for women out of recovery and I have it again? I feel sick at the thought of how to tell my mom. I honestly can’t cope with the emotions it makes others feel around me.

Will I live to see my 40th Birthday? Will I be here? what am i going to be remembered as if I die? Do I want to die? Am I ok with it? Have I achieved enough? Why am I not getting up earlier, and making the most of each day? why haven’t I created a bucket list? Why am I not doing all the things I say I will do and want to do… why am I coasting at the moment?

Am, I going to have to go through this every year? every time there is a check up, or something doesn’t feel right? Am I going to type a yearly blog of how scared I am? Or how I am underachieving?

What if it isn’t cancer, and I have weak bones… am I mean’t to be thankful for that? because I don’t think I will be! I don’t want to forever more be in pain when I lie on my left side. I don’t want to be fragile. I don’t want to feel like I could break a bone through sneezing.

I am not a fragile person. I am robust. I have survived car crashes that should have killed me, repaired my body after countless running injuries,been thrown across rooms and not even so much as got a bruise. I just survive. I always have, and now I have this niggle in the back of my head thinking, what if….what if I don’t, what if i used up my 7 lives?

I am writing this, thinking I don’t even want to publish it, as my mom will get upset, and worry and i honestly can’t even cope with the burden of her feelings, but i know I need to vent and get this of my chest because otherwise I am probably going to cry. And F*&K if I am giving cancer anymore tears!

This disease is crap, the treatment is traumatic and the after care is well non-existent. My doctors, my breast care nurse and everyone have said no mental health support for me, as breast cancer isn’t allowed to have it. So i write, I write about how f*&king scared I am that 1) I could get breast cancer again, 2) I could get secondary cancer, that is basically un-treatable, 3) that i get ovarian cancer – from the pills i take to keep breast cancer away 4) that my life feels a total mess right now. And that I am not in control.

Not quite the blog of a positive young woman, striving to be calm and have toxin free thoughts.

Breast cancer transformation app!

Published on January 8, 2016 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

As many of my friends and family know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 6th Feb 2015. Along the way I have met some truly inspirational people and have been supported by an amazing network of friends and family.

I have never felt so loved and cared for. But I know from speaking with other women in the same situation this is not always the case.

I was going through a tough time with cancer treatment and also personal circumstances but I found and created my own unique lifestyle plan that kept me going throughout treatment and now that it is finished I am transitioning back to non-cancer life, and have created a plan to get fit, lose weight (whilst eating healthy), de-toxify my mind and body and keep stress to a minimum all whilst starting to work again.

I have found, and many other women have related that there is a big gap of care for women who have undergone treatment and then want to make it back into ‘normal’ life. Exercise is harder after 1,2,3 of the following: operations, chemo and radiotherapy. And it is suggested that it can take 12-24 months to fully get over the fatigue and side effects of chemo and radiation.

Not to mention if like me, a lot of women are then placed on hormone effecting drugs like tamoxifen, which contain a whole heap of side effects including weight gain. It can feel like a never ending battle to get back into your jeans and your life.
Along the way a high proportion of women gain weight, their hair falls out, eyebrows and eye lashes are a distant memory. Confidence takes a nose dive and you are not the person you started out in the journey as.

What I want to create is an app and website with a plan for women to be the best version of themselves. To be better than they ever were and for them to feel truely happy, healthy and wonderful.

I want to create an app with a 12 week reformation/ transformation. Making these women the fittest, healthiest, and most confident version of themselves.

I will give stress and lifestyle tips.

Make up and health care tips.

Toxin reduction tips and plans.

Supplementation tips (such as vitamin c).

Exercise plans.

healthy eating plans concentrating on reducing the acidity of the diet to keep cancer away.

Stress relief and self confidence boost plans.

I want the plans and app to be free for women with cancer to use.

Please tap this link Transformation app to donate.

Sunshine is coming.

Published on November 20, 2015November 20, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So, I’ve been really melancholy the past few days, and if I haven’t been ‘meh’ then I’ve been raging or if I haven’t been raging I’ve been sick. So this last week really had taken a turn for the worst as I start the 5 year journey on tamoxifen.

Can I handle it? Well honestly I’m not sure. But I’ve only done 6-7 days so I’m giving it a chance. I’ve had the sickness and headaches that was so bad one day this week I didn’t get out of bed apart from to be sick.

Poor old Cassie had to be my nurse again, running off to the chemist for migrane tablets to try to take the edge off the pain. It’s made me feel like I’m never going to be free from this disease and its side effects.

I look at my finger nails and they are pulling away from the beds, my head and stomach have finally settled but I feel like I’m recovering from the flu, all fatigued and emotional, when at the start of the week I felt lovely. I mean I felt full of energy and its like its all drained away and all I feel capable of is to lie down and rest… Wrapped up as I’m freezing (but in layers so that when the hot flashes hit I can get cool!)

I shouldn’t moan I’m a mere handful (large handful) of days away from a sunshine holiday and I honestly can’t wait to go. I can’t wait to be laying by the pool and chilling out. 2 weeks in the sunshine is definitely needed after this year!

I’ve been 70/30 good / bad eating most of my 30 is the odd drink to be honest and pasta… Not that pasta is bad but it doesn’t fit with the keto diet I like to practice to reduce my chances of the dreaded C coming back plus it’s what makes me feel the best in myself. I practice a moderate keto diet so it’s probably more of what you would called a balanced diet that favours vegetables and fats rather than favouring protein or complex carbs. I think I should probably address it as a balanced diet from now on as sometimes when things are labelled people fear what you are doing is a fad diet or this or that but my current eating habits have come from the path of a former strict keto diet.

But this style of eating has meant that even though I’m on medication and I can’t train how I used to, I have still lost 7ibs in 4 weeks and am safely under the 11stone milestone I wanted to be. Now for a couple more weeks I want to tip the balance back to 80/20% so 80% good rather than 70 and see if I can loose another couple of pounds. The new medication I’m on, tamoxifen, can cause weight gain but I’m hoping that won’t happen to me. I’m pretty sure it will be holiday weight gain not medication! 🙈

Right I’m going to move my butt cheeks and start digging out the summer clothes! A summer holiday in winter… This is going to be weird!

Training face from earlier in the week!

Nails from a couple of weeks ago… They look even worse now 🙈 but hopefully they will sort themselves out.

I finished active treatment.

Published on October 30, 2015October 30, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So it’s approaching Halloween and last week I finished active treatment. And nothing feels any different apart from I don’t have to go to hospital. It’s one of those things you wait for and think the world is going to be amazing the day I finish treatment but it isn’t. The world hasn’t changed but over 2015 I have.

A magic grey cloud has not been lifted from me and I wonder if my body’s functionality (weight is a totally seperate issue) will ever actually return. My brain is useless my aches and pains from simple things are ridiculous, my fingernails appear to be starting to fall off! (Yes fall off now 7-8 weeks after my last chemo!) and well will my periods and womanhood ever return who knows.

On a day to day basis I’m generally happy, but I have to admit since I finished treatment I have flat out ugly cried twice (that’s in the space of a week). It’s a funny old time where I sort of want recognition for battling on, for smiling, for getting through it and you want to recognise and give thanks to those who were there but you don’t have the words or the ideas (as your brain doesn’t work) and on top of that you know you have to start picking the pieces up of life and move forward but there is a fear that you can’t. Or I suppose there is the lack of motivation to want too.

I am very grateful for all my flowers, cards and well wishes I have received!

It may only take 10 seconds to post a well done/ hooray on Facebook but it is a great boost and I appreciate it. I even had a surprise meal organised for me by Cassie which was lovely and a total surprise! And the food and company was lovely! And I’ve never had a surprise meal or a party before! I know 31 and no big parties but I was always worried no one would come if I had one so best to avoid the disappointment! So a meal for me, with balloons (I love balloons) was brilliant! Thank you Cass.

So now it is time to stop the little random moments of upset that creep up on me.

Next step… Appointment for hormone pills ( can’t wait for that one!)

I’m definitely in a mehhh state for breast cancer awareness month (October) and wonder if I will be like this every October when people are throwing tea parties and walking with pink tutus on, especially after reading an article today from a lady with similar thoughts.

But on the other hand I know my life through my cancer-year has been a happy one emotionally, I barely got upset, I relaxed more than I normally would even when I was aching my mind wasn’t stressed, and I had amazing people around me so why am I feeling a bit off now I have finished?

Oh well, by this afternoon I probably won’t even remember I felt like this (chemo brain) ! And as soon as this red patch from the radiotherapy is finished I’m going on a sunbed to get warm to my bones!

Radioactive Secret Agent

Published on October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So I’ve been quiet lately, only because I’ve been in hospital everyday (Monday to Friday) and just chilling out.

I’m feeling more like myself at the moment, singing along in the car to my old favourite tunes and just being me … A complete geek! I do unfortunately now have an abscess that can’t be treated until radiotherapy is finished and they assess my ability to heal so until then I get to have a face that is a bit swollen. But I am on antibiotics which is helping to take down the swelling.

I’m also nearly done with radiotherapy now! Two more sessions to go (I’ve had 13) it’s really nice in the Worcester oncology centre, the receptionists are two lovely ladies who are really friendly and check me in each day before I even get to the desk and the radiology team are brilliant.

They call me the ‘secret agent’, as I have a different look everyday and today was no different I rocked up in my new wig that I got yesterday, thanks to my mom and dad! Stourbridge now has a wig shop! And when we we’re walking to get a Sunday lunch I darted in and tried on a few wigs and got this baby! Excuse the terrible photo it was taken in the hospital changing room early this morning! But 26inches of gingery / brown / golden hair let’s call it strawberry ash-blonde/ brown 😂.

So, anyway radiotherapy is going well, I was a little sore from the position my arms have to be in for the beams to zap me. But I’ve been using twice daily pure Aloe Vera gel which is totally natural and organic. And for me has kept the red and soreness at bay which is a common side effect of radiotherapy.

The new building at Worcester hospital is amazing and the radioactive room as I call it, is friendly, I know friendly is a weird thing to say, but all the staff are friendly and the lights have clouds over them and music is playing for you the whole time the beeps go off and you get zapped.

That round bit on the top moves to a few different positions and zaps you for around 15 seconds or 7 seconds at a time 6 times in total it’s about 60 seconds of radiotherapy.

And I keep my wigs on each time! And smile, and stare at the clouds! And get zapped!

2 days time I will have finished active treatment 😁 and then to discuss the long term plan! But I am super excited to be coming to an end of daily treatment.

Chemo 7: the last one!

Published on September 4, 2015September 4, 2015 by melindacooksey4 Comments

The last chemo, done and dusted today and I don’t plan to sit in that comfy chair ever again!
I’m currently sat drinking water and feel maybe I should have some cocktails, champagne or prossecco but water is doing the trick! Maybe I will have a celebratory drink later on.
Thing is its not really over yet. I still have to deal with the injections (7 of them) which I hate, the tablets; not to mention the aches and pains and mouth and stomach trouble!
But it’s not all bad, they took out my picc line, after making my onchologist and the nurse laugh yesterday.

Nurse “Dr Price, melinda wanted her picc line out tomorrow After chemo, can we do this.”
Dr P ” not really melinda, what if you get an infection, or have to come back in so forth (I’m paraphrasing here!)”
Me giving a really good puppy eyes ” but I am going away for a couple of days in a couple of weeks, just in this country and there is a hot tub that I want to go in and I can’t with the picc line”
Nurse and Dr P look at each other, smiled and then started giggling at me!
Dr P ” well you haven’t had any infections throughout, so we’ll, since there’s a hot tub, I don’t see it being a problem taking it out, and if anything happens we can cannulate you anyway ”
Me “yeahhhh, thank you!”
Dr P then walks away chuckling at me. 🙈 whilst the nurses carries on tsking my bloods.

Honestly I’m a nightmare, me and my district nurse chatted so much in the morning about nothingness that we forgot the bloods and just flushed my picc line, so after my onchologist (Dr P) appointment I went to get them done from the chemo ward next door. And they did bless them.

All the nurses in the chemo suite are so nice, they always smile, joke with you, chat to you, give you tea and coffee and offer you sandwiches and biscuits. They are just really good people in there! So if any of the nurses or Dr P are reading this, so if you are thank you for being so kind and treating me like a human, a dippy, happy, smiley probably annoying human! 😘

And my biggest thanks and continued thanks goes to everyone around me that takes an interest, that reads my blog, my Facebook page and comments, it does actually mean a lot to me; my friends that call, message and visit me to come chat rubbish and just be themselves and don’t treat me any differently; to my family who make a long drive to come to see me every week, my mom who on top of this messages me everyday, to my sister who is now sending me more photos of the kids which I love seeing. But, most of all I am thankful for my rock, my guardian angel, my nurse, cleaner, house wife, driver, chef, everything and more…. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to cover the amount of help she has given me and the amount she changes her life around to make sure when I need her she is there! So basically she is an angel (mostly 😂). Love you more than cheese my girl, and you know how much I love cheese 😂😂😂.

It’s true, you probably aren’t meant to say it. I am good, I am a winner, I am strong… But I am! I know I’m not meant to, but I find myself tonight watching a film that made me cry, AGAIN, seriously how can every film seem to have cancer in it, seem to have family and friends and seem to make me cry. It’s not normal. Or maybe, just maybe it is.

I am scared of chemo 6. Tax 2. I admit tax 1 got me, it had me in bed for what felt like a week but was probably more like 5 days. Not straight away but as the oncologist said on Monday just gone, when the steroids wear off the pain starts, “can you do this?” Of course my answer is “YES”. My answer has always been yes to hard questions, I’ve had my fair share of pain in the past. And I’ve always gone at it, I’ve always dealt with it, quietly and appropriately.

God, I would loose a race (I used to run fast on the track) I’d spend the next two days in bed sobbing I hadn’t run to my potential and by Tuesday, my first track session, I would get up and arrive at the track for 6.30pm I would take the banter of the group (God how I miss them all!) and I would warm up and coach (Rog) would say to me “a technique session or a speed endurance session” the answer… Always….. A speed endurance session, I would train so hard I would be sick half way through, or have an asthma attack and have to be helped to breathe and I would stop being sick or regain my breathe and be back on that track. That’s me……. That’s melinda….. That is an athlete….. That is a fighter…. ( all athletes respond this way, well I’d say most, a tear shed, then a training session to make you feel pain so hard in your legs only an athlete can understand ….. Or so you think….. Chemo is a deeper pain, it hits your bones your muscles, teeth, cheeks, finger nails, but all my life I prepared myself for pain.

Running isn’t just it, I remember being told my sister was the pretty one, my sister was the clever one, I was the sporty one…. When probably she was all of them but God I tried, I studied I would be up until 3-4am studying to get my psychology degree, my masters in marketing, I then went on to do bikini competitions (blatantly to get some sort of recognition for being pretty) and never placed out the top 2 except once I came 5th and once I came second call out in nationals (with a home made bikini, and I knew no one p, I had no influence, I just worked my ass off) so I beat all the things people told me I wasn’t, with obviously my battles along the way!

What does this have to do with crying at movies and being scared about my next chemo and how much it hurts, well deep down I know. I know that I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’m the fighter, I can take the battle, and emotionally I couldn’t cope seeing someone I love, someone close to me go through it.

I applaud every single person that lets me tell them I’m having a crap day, that I’m in pain, stressed, upset, that lets me cry to them because 90% of people I know, don’t see the fear, or the pain, they don’t need to see it, because what do I gain from telling them, pity, yeah I do want it sometimes, attention, yeah i do want that sometimes too, but I wasn’t raised that way. And good old British working class values stick with you.

My good old British response to most people “I’m fine/ I’m good, thanks” some times I say “I’m a bit tired” but that’s as far as it gets to most, because I’m a fighter and a winner and winners and fighters don’t moan, they get on with it and in the words of Nike they ‘just do it’.

I have had so many battles in my life, not just on the running track, not just studying, but I am too much of a winner to give a blog all my pain, all my suffering and all my joy too, as let’s be honest probably if I’m lucky 12 people read it, that’s if I’m lucky read!

One day I’ll write a book, one day I’ll get 100 comments on a blog, or 1000 likes on my Facebook page and Instagram, who knows! Crazier things have happened! But while I write this, and I live through this, at least I know I’m the right girl for the job, scared …..f&£k yeah! A quitter….. NEVER!

So, Chemo 6 tomorrow, a steroid induced hot flush….. A dread in my belly, a tear in my eye, and a fight in my soul….. So here goes the next 7 days. To my rock – cassie, to my mom and dad, sister, bro -in -law, nephews , to my amazing friends – you know who you are…. I’ll make a list when it isn’t midnight and I need to sleep ( but needed to write this blog off my head, that’s been spinning inside for the last hour of the film) , to my chemo buddy, to my pink sisters, to my well wishers, to the good people of the world…. Let’s just keep fighting and winning our battles, doing the right thing, and being water (Taoism).

Realisation.

Published on August 1, 2015 by melindacooksey5 Comments

So I woke up this morning, as you do 😂 (funny aren’t I!🙈😂), and had a sort of realisation. This last week since having my new chemo last Friday called Docetaxel (tax for short!… It’s in all the forums and Facebook groups! I had to ask to be sure though 🙈),I have felt awful, I mean it, every cell in my body has ached, I fell over on the weekend and that didn’t help as I cut my hands, bruised my ankle and cut my knee, but on top of that I have just honestly felt awful.

I’m not one for pain killers but I had to take them to just ease the pain to sleep. My head, throat, teeth, bones, muscles everything seriously everything hurt I actually cried with pain one night because I couldn’t feel it easing it just wouldn’t shift. But a lot of it has and although my long bones ( collar bones, back, thighs, rib cage ) and head still ache, mostly it has calmed down and is manageable! All those DOMS days from the gym have put me in good practise for this battle.

Anyway, back to my realisation, so I’m not painting a pretty picture of the last week really, but on top of this money became a big worry and is ongoing for me, so on top of the aches I was trying to help sort someone out, worry about my financial position and just deal with you know those random situation where you are involved and just help and do what you feel is the right thing.

So cryptic message complete 😂😂😂 and Once again back to the realisation……this morning I woke with a smile and a thought and posted it on Facebook to more than a hundred likes (I was really happy about that! So thank you to my friends who liked it! As mostly what I say on my personal page is nonsense)….

…. Here it is…….. “I’m a pale, bald little chubster that aches like a granny…. But I have never been in such a good head space! I have such amazing people around me!”

It’s true, all of the above is true, I’m not happy with my weight or how I look but I seriously feel happy. I ache, I hurt but I’m happy and it’s weird and amazing to feel like it!

And following on from that I posted on a breast cancer forum………. ” I’m going to say this crazy thing that probably makes half of you want to punch me in the face but honestly apart from the pain, the aches, being bald, pale, chubbier than before, flat broke, I have come to realise how lucky I am. When the money stress and pains hit the background I stop and think how amazing the people I have around me are. And how amazing we all are. I honestly feel more comfortable just being me. Not trying to be a tanned blonde bikini model I once was. I just feel content that I am me and people like me. I don’t have to do anything to make them. I can be miserable and horrible somedays and people still want to be my friend. I am officially being real for the first time ever! Xxx love you all xxx big love for Saturday go treat yourself to a break with a brew and cake today xxx🙈😁”

And again I got nearly 100 likes and lots of comments, lots of women agreeing with me and high fiving me rather than wanting to punch me.

Because it seems I’m not the only one to have the penny drop…… That life is for living, for the people we have in it ….. Not for trying to impress, trying to be a CEO and be a powerful workaholic it is for making memories. It is for laughing and smiling and making laughter lines around your eyes.

What this god awful disease has done for me, is give me perspective, I was near my break point when I got diagnosed, I had broken the year before and I was ready to break again, and cancer took the only thing I felt I had left…. My health and my body.

I will never look in a mirror and see the girl I once was, she has gone but I’m no shell of a girl crying in a corner, and I realise just how much I needed a reality check…. And I have got it from the highest order. I am finally real.

I am grateful to all the amazing people around me, to my family to my chosen family (friends), acquaintances that give support, other ladies battling on, to everyone that supports me and other people battling on and those that haven’t well I literally don’t care. I haven’t overanalysed why some people don’t like my posts on social media, why certain people don’t seem to bother to get in touch, I truly don’t care. Because the friends that do Are the ones I want. The people that care are who matter.

And I matter, I matter whether I am tanned, blonde bikini model and athlete who works a high powered job with a good salary …. Trying to make it to the top of the corporate world…and I matter as a bald, pale, chubbier, non-worker ( I’m on sick leave so one day I will be back at a desk, but not for a little while).
I am finally able to like myself more than ever, whether I have kids or I don’t ….. I know plenty of kids so if I don’t get my own I can screw up everyone else’s 😂😂😂 my sister better watch out I’m blatantly going to be the bad aunty 🙈😂)

Of course I have my dark days but they are fewer and farer between than ever, they go quicker than they did. And of course I stress but it takes more, and I do stress less. But I’m present, I watch a film and watch it, I eat food and enjoy it, I fully appreciate the trees, the blue skies the 5 minutes I got earlier to put a face mask on.

And although I am mostly sleepy, or useless I feel happier in myself and there is no amount of money in the world that could have bought me this feeling of pure, unadulterated blissful realism.

Sometimes you have to go through a whole load of crap, to appreciate what you have.

But if anyone can learn from my lessons….. Enjoy yourself, love yourself and be real to yourself. Take five minutes to be grateful for what you have today. Xxxx

The C Personality.

Published on July 14, 2015March 22, 2018 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

All day I have been contemplating what it takes for someone to be mean, are they born with it or did they grow up into it. At some point surely someone had to have just been born like it…… And then they created other people’s environments. So it is both?

This then led me to contemplate……Is it true that we all have cancer in us? I’ve heard many people say everyone does! and it is the unlucky minority that unfortunately provide the cancer cells the environment to grow.

So why does cancer thrive in some people and not others? Is it random? Is it a certain type of person?
I read a book sometime ago and it cited ‘the type C Personality’, the five characteristics are:

– Always putting others first
– low self -esteem
– bottling up emotions
– living in fear
– harbouring resentment

Interesting, I can relate! Can other cancer patients?

Always putting others first….. I’m easy going and a people pleaser….. It’s a fatal combination that means you do what others want, you eat where they want even when you have a craving for Indian you’ll end up at a Chinese because you just don’t speak up, as you just do what they want…… watch what they want, and just go along with it. You do their paper work before your own, do their jobs before your own, sort what they need and want first.

Bottling emotions. Tick. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing it though. I did.

Living in fear … Yep, I did that for a time.

Harbouring resentment. Here’s a little story. A woman who was previously a friend, was a bit sly I won’t go into details but her closing statement to me in a message was “well they will just cut it out of you and it will all be over.” I haven’t seen this woman since this message, and I’m not entirely sure if I would say anything but I would love to as that comment was bitter and the fact is they never just cut it out of you and it’s over. I bet there are no women or men alive that haven’t been affected by the diagnosis. It changes you! Plus I’m currently bald from chemo so clearly that didn’t happen for me!

The C Personality is ME. Wait, was ME.

I have twice in the past month requested where I eat, because I wanted to enjoy and fulfil my craving. (This might seem small but literally I just never do this!)

Emotionally….. Well I’m more of an open book than I have ever been and I hope it continues. I don’t pretend to be super happy all day every day anymore. I’m not, fact, and that has absolutely diddly squat to do with chemotherapy, that is me, I’m not super happy, I get sad, I get angry, I get silly, I get happy….. I’m all the emotions….. But I will always smile and be polite, even if I’m now telling you I’m miserable with it!

Fear? No I don’t fear cancer, i don’t fear death, i do think about death, I do think about a lot of things but I don’t have any major fears. I am not scared of any one person, disease or place. Spiders are a whole separate issue though!

Resentment. Now this one, this one I find tricky, I don’t resent anyone person or situation intensively that it consumes me. I do probably, if I am honest resent certain things from my past. And like my little story above, I don’t resent her…. But I haven’t forgotten what she said. And I do think there is a difference.

I believe I am stronger now than ever before. Because cancer opened my eyes to myself.

What I’m saying in a round about way is that maybe just maybe cancer is in us all, like they say, and some people, like me with the C personality nurture the cancer and give it an environment to grow.

But you can change the environment you live in, and you can change the environment your cells live in, and we are just a mass of millions of cells. So, if I improve my esteem, open up more, forget my fears, let go of past wrongs and just accept myself and my needs as important then maybe, just maybe I will be cancer free for the rest of my time in this world.

A toxin free environment isn’t just about the foods, products and chemicals we are in contact with daily ( although I advise anyone to take a Look on their bathroom shelf and sort what they eating out) …… It’s our brains as well. And when you start to believe you are a good person and a nice person and a friendly person and a worthwhile person then I think you are half way there to being cancer free for life. And to be honest just better off.

Grumpy, Tired, & Useless.

Published on July 6, 2015July 6, 2015 by melindacookseyLeave a comment

So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.

A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go 😩 of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.

I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!

I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.

Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!

So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!