2 years past: too GLAM to give a DAMN

Ok, so today is my sisters birthday – happy birthday big sis 😘! And it’s also my 2 year mark since being told I had breast cancer. 

So, I guess I feel I should post a blog. Maybe, it should be motivational/ goal orientated; hummm maybe it should be reminiscing over this day two years ago; maybe, it should be a scared post or a scientific post. 

I guess, in all honesty I don’t really know what to say.

 It’s two years, and I am the happiest I have ever been. 

I’m not scared, I’m not sad I’m just me! I smile and laugh everyday! And I mean proper tears in eyes laughter! 

I managed to get employed again – yeah- and I love it – I’m chilled, it’s a nice place to work and I have met some pretty cool people that I now see every day (ok – Monday to friday). 

I am happy. Obviously I’m not a mentalist I have my off days, my moody moments, sad moments but in general I bounce back faster than ever! And I don’t really think about the fact that I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, got fat, pale, tired and sick for the best part of a year. 

I am happy to say I’m a little bit random, weird and just well ME! 

And I suppose I just want anyone who is at the diagnosis day, who’s searching the internet for hope (like I did) to know, it’s not the end, it’s not an easy ride, granted… but if and when you are lucky enough to get to the other side,  you somehow appreciate life that little bit more! I live life for now, for the experiences, the memories not the bank balance and however you may think this will ruin you, crush you…. it doesn’t. 

And I definitely feel like I am

Too glam to give a damn, about what anyone thinks, about what I should be doing , about how my life should have panned out! 


Oh and I have hair! 😂😬(ok half of it is extensions, but like I said I’m just so glam I don’t give a damn it’s not my own hair! (You can’t even tell I have hair in this photo – but I like it so it’s going in the blog!) 


Over and out! 

Now to drink wine 🍷 oh and book a holiday ☀️… why, because I can! 

P.s. Thank you to everyone that has encouraged, loved me and made me laugh over the last couple of years and long may it continue! 😘

Advertisements

Tattoo planning 

So, some may have seen my insta-rant! It’s not fair, why me… blah blah blah, but I got over my on-coming set back pretty quickly and moved to the Pinterest stalking phase! 

So I’m all over Pinterest, instagram, google etc etc to find tattoo ideas. 

I need future surgery, they don’t know when this will be, well they do, when I can’t take the pain any more, but I’m pretty hard-core and strong willed so I think that will be a while yet! 

But they have said I can get tattoos and that is what I’m going to do! So I’m thinking things like this…. 

I’m back….. it’s been a while! But today at my first annual check I realised I survived, I conquered and I won the battle of my life … because it was me against my body gone mad!

  Well aren’t I the happy girl. 

Now to get my mojo back and work on the website. I’m back! 

A short but sweet start back to blogging, webbing, creating and fitness! I am feeling so happy right now! 

#motivated #workhard #breastcancer #thisgirlcan #chemotocool #website #app #fitness #motivated #fire

it’s been a long time.

Well, it’s been a really long time since i blogged. In short, I had a secondary cancer scare, scans, a few melt downs because of it and then got the all clear. THANK F*&k for that! (I will do my best to go over that in a separate blog in detail.)

I suppose I should feel super motivated, you know to get up attack each day and make it count! but I haven’t quite got that mood in me yet. I do somedays and not others. I’m not 100% sure what direction I want my life to take.

I feel like, I have in some ways gone back to being to helpful to people. You know, doing things for people and getting little in return. Not concentrating on myself enough. I’ve never really been selfish enough, thinking my life and my objectives are more important than others. I do need to start placing importance on my thoughts, feelings and plans.

Now, I do realise, I’m normally super positive, but let’s be honest we can’t all be positive all the time, sometimes we just are, and sometimes we are down. But if you can identify and work through the off days then i see this as a good thing. And, it is what I am going to do.

June is going to be the month of getting myself straight. I have lots of plans and ideas (too many, i think), I’m going to work my way through my ‘S*&t’ and build myself a happy land. Where I am my number 1 priority.

What do I want to do today?
What do I want to achieve this week?
What career path do I want?
The beauty of having a year of not being my typical self, not overworking, running around like a headless chicken is that I can truly work out what it takes to make myself tick. And, maybe at 32 (i also had a birthday) I should know what I want to be when i grow up. 🙂

So, through the month of June, I am going to get my head straight and work my path out.

Do the standard Goal setting, write it down, start working towards my future. Instead of fitting into what people expect and want from me.

June is about ME.

#earthday 

  

It’s here. #earthday 2016. Make sure today, you take a moment to appreciate the trees and wildlife around you. Earth day to do’s: Walk to town instead of driving. Plant a tree for someone special instead of buying packaged gifts. Grow your own veg (using less pesticides). Give back to the soil and the trees! 🌲🌳♻️ #earthday #earthday2016

Bitter Apricot Kernels as Cancer Treatment. 

  
So as of this week I am back on the apricot kernels, the natural cancer killer. After getting my bone scan results on Monday, I am trying not to breakdown into tears, or any other crazies. Instead I moped for a couple of days and then dug out my apricot kernels. I am eating 15-25 a day. In 5s. Anymore and you can actually poison yourself with cyanide! But at this dose you can remain ok and have the best chance to fight off any stray cancer cells. My scan result showed a black mark on my ribs. Which could be a broken bone that I didn’t know about (as my friends have said I am superwoman!) or cancer or I guess something else.

The body creates a load of random things so it really could be anything. 

I’m off for a PET scan in the next few weeks to determine what the ‘shadow’ is on the back of my ribs! Here’s hoping for a broken rib! 

But until I get the scan and the results. I will be eating my Apricot kernels full of benzaldehyde and cyanide, to kill off cancer! 

#cancer #ybcn #breastcancer #secondary cancer #bone #scan #petscan #apricotkernels 

Cancer…..

I said to myself a few weeks ago I wasn’t going to keep writing about cancer and feelings and being one of those emotional bloggers.

I was going to become one of those popular bloggers that write reviews about the multitude of products they use, and how to apply make up to look like a Kardashian. But here I am again, writing about cancer.

! And I suppose I am not giving much hope to all those out there about to embark on the journey, that it is doable (please note it is doable and I am just having a ‘fear’ day, and that any lady reading this who has survived, or is going through treatment will know is normal).

I spent my day yesterday, my mother’s birthday (whom I did not tell)in hospital waiting to be seen by a doctor, a man who effectively poisoned me and radiated me with beams of light to rid me of a disease that could of killed me. I waited 2 hours, due to him running late, to be told I need bone scans.

No, don’t worry or I’m sure it isn’t anything, or no it isn’t the bone the GP has it wrong. A chat, another appointment with him in 6 weeks, blood tests and a bone scan request. Since chemo and radiotherapy have finished I have already had my first ever filling, chronic pain in my left breast and numb finger tips (further investigation pending – it’s either carpel tunnel – common apparently after chemo or nerve damage again thanks to chemo!)

Best case scenario from this bone scan is I have weak bones due to radiotherapy, worst case scenario secondary cancer, and somewhere in between lies the potential that I have a broken rib due to weakness from a treatment for a disease that invaded my body and wont seem to fully leave me alone!

To be told this, whilst you see all the leap year Meme’s on facebook, stating use your extra day wisely, get engaged, blah blah blah, and knowing that if you hadn’t been in the hospital you would have visited your mom on her 60th Birthday, well F*&ked me right off.

This time last year, I got diagnosed with cancer, I didnt really beleive the concerns, I was too fit, to healthy, but the day I got diagnosed (my sister’s birthday) whilst i was in the waiting room, I felt that wind blow across my body, you know the one you see in the films, that means something is about to happen. I felt that all knowing feeling and knew before they even told me, that I had cancer. In my lifetime I never want to feel that again!

yesterday, and today I have felt scared. What if I am designing a help system for women out of recovery and I have it again? I feel sick at the thought of how to tell my mom. I honestly can’t cope with the emotions it makes others feel around me.

Will I live to see my 40th Birthday? Will I be here? what am i going to be remembered as if I die? Do I want to die? Am I ok with it? Have I achieved enough? Why am I not getting up earlier, and making the most of each day? why haven’t I created a bucket list? Why am I not doing all the things I say I will do and want to do… why am I coasting at the moment?

Am, I going to have to go through this every year? every time there is a check up, or something doesn’t feel right? Am I going to type a yearly blog of how scared I am? Or how I am underachieving?

What if it isn’t cancer, and I have weak bones… am I mean’t to be thankful for that? because I don’t think I will be! I don’t want to forever more be in pain when I lie on my left side. I don’t want to be fragile. I don’t want to feel like I could break a bone through sneezing.

I am not a fragile person. I am robust. I have survived car crashes that should have killed me, repaired my body after countless running injuries,been thrown across rooms and not even so much as got a bruise. I just survive. I always have, and now I have this niggle in the back of my head thinking, what if….what if I don’t, what if i used up my 7 lives?

I am writing this, thinking I don’t even want to publish it, as my mom will get upset, and worry and i honestly can’t even cope with the burden of her feelings, but i know I need to vent and get this of my chest because otherwise I am probably going to cry. And F*&K if I am giving cancer anymore tears!

This disease is crap, the treatment is traumatic and the after care is well non-existent. My doctors, my breast care nurse and everyone have said no mental health support for me, as breast cancer isn’t allowed to have it. So i write, I write about how f*&king scared I am that 1) I could get breast cancer again, 2) I could get secondary cancer, that is basically un-treatable, 3) that i get ovarian cancer – from the pills i take to keep breast cancer away 4) that my life feels a total mess right now. And that I am not in control.

Not quite the blog of a positive young woman, striving to be calm and have toxin free thoughts.

Rest. 

What has cancer taught me? To rest! That sometime you need to relax and just go to bed early. 

I have had an absolutely manic day cleaning and scrubbing for hours and hours and I’m really tired. I have also been looking forward to going to the gym all day. But I have learned over the last year that when I’m tired, it’s far better to rest than to push myself. So although I am disappointed that I can’t go to the gym, I’m am proud of myself for not listening to the obsessive exercise demon that is in me and just taking it easy instead. 

Of course I could go to the gym and force myself, and I would do a session and be pleased! But in the long run it might do more harm than good. 

Adversity has made me appreciate myself and taught me to listen to my body and tonight is a Netflix and early to bed night! 

  

The Many Hairstyles of Cancer! #worldcancerday

 

This is my video of some (not all) of my wigs, scarfs, hats, and looks through my cancer diagnosis and treatment for #worldcancerday. http://bit.ly/cancerhair

I have put this together to try to raise awareness for Cancer and treatment and how it affects you and how you can stay Positive throughout the battle!

I am currently raising money to create a website and App to help people after a cancer diagnosis and treatment get back to ‘normal life’, but I don’t want it to be normal, I want them all to feel better than ever! This website and app will focus on getting fitness back, a healthy cancer prevention diet (that will help with weight loss too), and mental strength and stress reduction. I will also give tips on beauty, and toxin free products that can help to reduce toxicity and illness!

Please support me by donating to my go fund me page https://www.gofundme.com/transformationapp

and like me on social media:
https://www.facebook.com/MelindaCookseyToxinFreeLiving/
twitter: @MelindaLou1
Insta: @ToxinFreeGirl
Blog: https://toxinfreeliving.org/
Song credits: Fight Song, Rachel Platten