Blog Post. 

I started writing a blog yesterday about my day! I didn’t get past the first paragraph as life got in the way, and the interruptions of it. You know what, I wouldn’t change the interruptions for anything! 

But basically yesterday I got Late   drafted on to a look good feel better workshop, it’s 2 hours and you get to sit in a room with other women undergoing treatment and get taught to put make-up on to feel better. And if I wasn’t all toxin free I would be super excited by the vast quantity of makeup and products you get! Seriously it is amazing! My only issue is it isn’t paraban free or toxin free but I am going to check them through my think dirty app and see how they all rate. It is a lovely gesture that all these companies: Lancôme, rimmel, Bobby brown, No7 etc. give make up, removers, moisturisers even perfume is given! Into the bags! I do wonder if they do it as a corporate item to offset the bad feelings from all the toxins and carcinogenic chemicals they put in it? And I wonder if in a few years time it will be stopped as it could be hindering women’s recovery? I’m definitely overthinking this I know! But I do honestly find it interesting to think it on a personal and corporate level! 

But the main thing other than the makeup tips and goodies I got was meeting other ladies that are all undergoing treatment. 

It was nice to talk and hear other women on the same journey talking and I think It is something I need to do more! Talk in person with other women undergoing treatment, as I love my friends and family but it’s so easy to talk to others facing the same treatment, how they are doing, feeling lucky I can taste my food and they cant and other such comparisons! 

I would have felt even more normal if it hadn’t been pointed out by one lovely lady that even in this circle it is odd to see such a young lady with ‘IT.’

Side notes: 

I can’t stop eating. 

I’m getting fatter.

This PIC line is ugly, annoying and makes me feel like a patient. 

I’m scared my hair will grow back fuzzy, weird and grey.

I need to focus. 

I repeat I need to stop eating!  

 

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Chemo 3, Day 5.

So I’m not honestly feeling my upbeat self, I appear to have no energy and just feel really low and if I am honest a bit depressed. I do think it is mainly in my head, the old black dog as they call it, rearing its ugly head.

Partly I think it is because I know I want to pick up a book and read, but the motivation to do it seems to elude me lately. I have these pains in my cheeks, jaw, shoulders and neck that just feel weird, it was like last night I could feel the chemo circling my upper parameters of my body, and I started half sleep, half wake dreaming of my grandad. It felt strange this morning to know I had dreamt of being a child stealing my grandad’s roll up cigarettes and hiding them, it was, I think, the only time I heard him tell me off and everyone panic 😂 but that memory soon changed to his last moments and so today I feel like I want to cry but can’t seem too.

I don’t really try to pretend I don’t have to deal with this situation, I don’t think of myself as sick. And truth be told I could tell you a dozen examples of people, including complete strangers that tell me or others that I don’t look sick. What I do find difficult is at the moment people seem to ask is the treatment working? And I know people ask questions (so are you getting better? Is it working? ) because they care. But the hospital don’t test you or tell you those sort of things, you just have to have blind faith that it is. And mostly I don’t think about it. But since this PIC line has gone in I have felt more like a patient and less like me. But maybe that is just the first few days of chemo 3 and adjusting to this thing in my arm.

I have seen a few Facebook posts about the new breast cancer now campaign and if I am honest I don’t like them. I suppose it is just to close to home, and real. They actually called me about doing it, but on requesting if I would show my scars I politely declined that and I am very glad I am not involved. Not because I don’t think it will benefit the future but for my own personal reason.

The fact that I keep seeing all the figures about death rates, secondary cancers and such at the moment is hard. And I don’t much enjoy that side of this whole process. I have and will continue to try to focus on the positives…. Like…… I don’t need to buy shampoo, or shave my arms etc. but some days, I just feel like curling up and not talking, not socialising, and not leaving my bed. For no other reason than CANCER SUCKS.

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Selfie stick, Chemo number 3 and PIC Line going in! 

Number 3 …. Half way there… Sort of! They have added an extra FEC cycle. Reason: I didn’t get enough of the Epirubicin, as it leaked into my hand In round 2 (sounds like a boxing match when I say it like that) and then what I had was counteracted by the antidote. 

So I just had a full round and then next time I am having a smaller FEC Cycle (full 100ml each time but 75ml instead ….I think… Don’t quote me). 

Today went well! Which is good I am now just lay in bed chilling, trying to rest and then fall asleep after I have written this knowing me! 

I caused mayhem again! As ever! You honestly wouldn’t believe me when I say the male nurse in  there has now told me and Cass He is booking my next FEC  treatment off! 😂 

I told Cass to make me a tea and herself a coffee as I did yesterday when I was in the waiting room to see my onchologist after my minor surgery – not sure I can really say it’s surgery but an insertion. No that sounds bad we will stick with surgery and I’ll explain that later! But anyway, I digress, she got told off, she’s not meant to touch it. And the man (really nice guy – they all are in there to be honest) said she cant touch that laughing and I was like I did yesterday, I’m not telling you who told me I could though 😂😂). That is probably funnier in my head than in writing and reading. Any which way I got my cup of tea! 

This time instead of spending a small fortune on food and drinks we had the provided tea and coffee rather than Costa. And brought our own homemade chicken, avocado, salad (mine in a wrap… Cass no wrap… I know I was naughty having a wrap but it tasted so good!) 

So chemo went well, as ever I had a sneezing fit at Epirubicin, which is completely wrong… Everyone else sneezes (if they react) to a different drug of the 3 but not me! So my wee is now red already and my mouth tastes of iron and I’m just hoping all the anti sickness drugs work on the full dose of chemo I had as well as they did on the slightly less one last time! 

I tortured the ward with my selfie stick everyone laughing at me, but I tell you there were a few converts that want one now I reckon. I even used it as a devise to poke my anti-sickness drip to see what it was (I can’t remember, already!)   

  

Anyway, as you can see my chemo now goes through my upper arm and not my hand. I have a brightly coloured contraption sticking out me, but it is all wrapped up so no scaring any small children and I opted to wear a tube grip over it so its just not so unsitely, I know I talk all these selfies and post them on this blog and Facebook, Twitter,….. Ok and  Instagram 🙈😂  but I’m quite a paranoid person so have real … ‘Are they staring at me?’ Issues! I like to be in control of what people see, I guess, who knows how my subconscious psyche works! 

So to have the pic line put in I had to have a local anthestic, I get laid on a bed and they guide a pic line to your heart by ultrasound then check it with an X-ray then push and pull it around a bit more and then off you pop all done. It is quite strange feeling all the pulling and pushing. But I had a really nicer radiographer who was chatting to me (distraction technique) about holidays. And as those close to me know I’m always happy to talk sunshine and tanning (and food). 

So it’s in, it’s gross and I dread it coming out, but true to the many people who said it to me… Chemo through that was easier. 

 

So that picture above is what is looks like inside me and this is what I have.  

My line without a dressing. But it’s like this for all of 2 minutes when it gets cleaned with alcohol. 

     That’s how it looked from out of the X-ray department. And then the chemo nurses bandaged it even further.  

Then below is how it looks after the chemo nurses bandage it up a bit further and I just Pop a bit of tube grip over it. Happy days. 

Well I’m off for a sleep now! 😴  

The 5 day count down. 

Monday….. And the 5 day count down to chemo again. Number 3. 

Hopefully there won’t be any accidents this time. No leaks. My hand still hurts and had a mark and I just hope it goes away. 

I’m feeling honestly frustrated with the world and everyone in it today. Give me a wide birth today people as I am liable to explode over anything and everything. 

To make matters worse I’ve gone for a run and lasted 3 minutes until I was too tired to carry on and now I’m typing this frantically trying to type out my frustrations. 

I spend my days doing what everyone else wants and today I’m not going too. Because I don’t want to. I don’t want to be polite and nice I want to punch things and get my anger out. 

Seriously if you have issues today …. Don’t come to me. I have enough of my own.  

Live action angry face on my attempt at a run!