So I’m not honestly feeling my upbeat self, I appear to have no energy and just feel really low and if I am honest a bit depressed. I do think it is mainly in my head, the old black dog as they call it, rearing its ugly head.
Partly I think it is because I know I want to pick up a book and read, but the motivation to do it seems to elude me lately. I have these pains in my cheeks, jaw, shoulders and neck that just feel weird, it was like last night I could feel the chemo circling my upper parameters of my body, and I started half sleep, half wake dreaming of my grandad. It felt strange this morning to know I had dreamt of being a child stealing my grandad’s roll up cigarettes and hiding them, it was, I think, the only time I heard him tell me off and everyone panic 😂 but that memory soon changed to his last moments and so today I feel like I want to cry but can’t seem too.
I don’t really try to pretend I don’t have to deal with this situation, I don’t think of myself as sick. And truth be told I could tell you a dozen examples of people, including complete strangers that tell me or others that I don’t look sick. What I do find difficult is at the moment people seem to ask is the treatment working? And I know people ask questions (so are you getting better? Is it working? ) because they care. But the hospital don’t test you or tell you those sort of things, you just have to have blind faith that it is. And mostly I don’t think about it. But since this PIC line has gone in I have felt more like a patient and less like me. But maybe that is just the first few days of chemo 3 and adjusting to this thing in my arm.
I have seen a few Facebook posts about the new breast cancer now campaign and if I am honest I don’t like them. I suppose it is just to close to home, and real. They actually called me about doing it, but on requesting if I would show my scars I politely declined that and I am very glad I am not involved. Not because I don’t think it will benefit the future but for my own personal reason.
The fact that I keep seeing all the figures about death rates, secondary cancers and such at the moment is hard. And I don’t much enjoy that side of this whole process. I have and will continue to try to focus on the positives…. Like…… I don’t need to buy shampoo, or shave my arms etc. but some days, I just feel like curling up and not talking, not socialising, and not leaving my bed. For no other reason than CANCER SUCKS.