Breast cancer transformation app!Β 

 
As many of my friends and family know, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 6th Feb 2015.  Along the way I have met some truly inspirational people and have been supported by an amazing network of friends and family. 

I have never felt so loved and cared for. But I know from speaking with other women in the same situation this is not always the case. 

  I was going through a tough time with cancer treatment and also personal circumstances but I found and created my own unique lifestyle plan that kept me going throughout treatment and now that it is finished I am transitioning back to non-cancer life, and have created a plan to get fit, lose weight (whilst eating healthy), de-toxify my mind and body and keep stress to a minimum all whilst starting to work again. 

I have found, and many other women have related that there is a big gap of care for women who have undergone treatment and then want to make it back into ‘normal’ life.   Exercise is harder after 1,2,3 of the following: operations, chemo and radiotherapy. And it is suggested that it can take 12-24 months to fully get over the fatigue and side effects of chemo and radiation. 

Not to mention if like me, a lot of women are then placed on hormone effecting drugs like tamoxifen, which contain a whole heap of side effects including weight gain. It can feel like a never ending battle to get back into your jeans and your life. 
Along the way a high proportion of women gain weight, their hair falls out, eyebrows and eye lashes are a distant memory. Confidence takes a nose dive and you are not the person you started out in the journey as. 

What I want to create is an app and website with a plan for women to be the best version of themselves. To be better than they ever were and for them to feel truely happy, healthy and wonderful. 

I want to create an app with a 12 week reformation/ transformation. Making these women the fittest, healthiest, and most confident version of themselves. 

I will give stress and lifestyle tips. 

Make up and health care tips. 

Toxin reduction tips and plans. 

Supplementation tips (such as vitamin c). 

Exercise plans.

healthy eating plans concentrating on reducing the acidity of the diet to keep cancer away. 

Stress relief and self confidence boost plans. 

I want the plans and app to be free for women with cancer to use. 

Please tap this link Transformation app to donate. 

 

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Sunshine is coming.Β 

  
So, I’ve been really melancholy the past few days, and if I haven’t been ‘meh’ then I’ve been raging or if I haven’t been raging I’ve been sick. So this last week really had taken a turn for the worst as I start the 5 year journey on tamoxifen. 

Can I handle it? Well honestly I’m not sure. But I’ve only done 6-7 days so I’m giving it a chance. I’ve had the sickness and headaches that was so bad one day this week I didn’t get out of bed apart from to be sick. 

Poor old Cassie had to be my nurse again, running off to the chemist for migrane tablets to try to take the edge off the pain. It’s made me feel like I’m never going to be free from this disease and its side effects. 

I look at my finger nails and they are pulling away from the beds, my head and stomach have finally settled but I feel like I’m recovering from the flu, all fatigued and emotional, when at the start of the week I felt lovely. I mean I felt full of energy and its like its all drained away and all I feel capable of is to lie down and rest… Wrapped up as I’m freezing (but in layers so that when the hot flashes hit I can get cool!) 

I shouldn’t moan I’m a mere handful (large handful) of days away from a sunshine holiday and I honestly can’t wait to go. I can’t wait to be laying by the pool and chilling out. 2 weeks in the sunshine is definitely needed after this year! 

I’ve been 70/30 good / bad eating most of my 30 is the odd drink to be honest and pasta… Not that pasta is bad but it doesn’t fit with the keto diet I like to practice to reduce my chances of the dreaded C coming back plus it’s what makes me feel the best in myself. I practice a moderate keto diet so it’s probably more of what you would called a balanced diet that favours vegetables and fats rather than favouring protein or complex carbs. I think I should probably address it as a balanced diet from now on as sometimes when things are labelled people fear what you are doing is a fad diet or this or that but my current eating habits have come from the path of a former strict keto diet. 

But this style of eating has meant that even though I’m on medication and I can’t train how I used to, I have still lost 7ibs in 4 weeks and am safely under the 11stone milestone I wanted to be. Now for a couple more weeks I want to tip the balance back to 80/20% so 80% good rather than 70 and see if I can loose another couple of pounds. The new medication I’m on, tamoxifen, can cause weight gain but I’m hoping that won’t happen to me. I’m pretty sure it will be holiday weight gain not medication! πŸ™ˆ

Right I’m going to move my butt cheeks and start digging out the summer clothes! A summer holiday in winter… This is going to be weird!  

   
Training face from earlier in the week! 
  
Nails from a couple of weeks ago… They look even worse now πŸ™ˆ but hopefully they will sort themselves out. 

I finished active treatment. Β 

So it’s approaching Halloween and last week I finished active treatment. And nothing feels any different apart from I don’t have to go to hospital. It’s one of those things you wait for and think the world is going to be amazing the day I finish treatment but it isn’t. The world hasn’t changed but over 2015 I have. 

A magic grey cloud has not been lifted from me and I wonder if my body’s functionality (weight is a totally seperate issue) will ever actually return. My brain is useless my aches and pains from simple things are ridiculous, my fingernails appear to be starting to fall off! (Yes fall off now 7-8 weeks after my last chemo!) and well will my periods and womanhood ever return who knows. 

On a day to day basis I’m generally happy, but I have to admit since I finished treatment I have flat out ugly cried twice (that’s in the space of a week). It’s a funny old time where I sort of want recognition for battling on, for smiling, for getting through it and you want to recognise and give thanks to those who were there but you don’t have the words or the ideas (as your brain doesn’t work) and on top of that you know you have to start picking the pieces up of life and move forward but there is a fear that you can’t. Or I suppose there is the lack of motivation to want too. 

I am very grateful for all my flowers, cards  and well wishes I have received!  

 
It may only take 10 seconds to post a well done/ hooray on Facebook but it is a great boost and I appreciate it. I even had a surprise meal organised for me by Cassie which was lovely and a total surprise! And the food and company was lovely! And I’ve never had a surprise meal or a party before! I know 31 and no big parties but I was always worried no one would come if I had one so best to avoid the disappointment! So a meal for me, with balloons (I love balloons) was brilliant! Thank you Cass. 

  
So now it is time to stop the little random moments of upset that creep up on me. 

Next step… Appointment for hormone pills ( can’t wait for that one!) 

I’m definitely in a mehhh state for breast cancer awareness month (October) and wonder if I will be like this every October when people are throwing tea parties and walking with pink tutus on, especially after reading an article today from a lady with similar thoughts. 

But on the other hand I know my life through my cancer-year has been a happy one emotionally, I barely got upset, I relaxed more than I normally would even when I was aching my mind wasn’t stressed, and I had amazing people around me so why  am I feeling a bit off now I have finished? 

Oh well, by this afternoon I probably won’t even remember I felt like this (chemo brain) ! And as soon as this red patch from the radiotherapy is finished I’m going on a sunbed to get warm to my bones! 

  

Realisation.

So I woke up this morning, as you do πŸ˜‚ (funny aren’t I!πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚), and had a sort of realisation. This last week since having my new chemo last Friday called Docetaxel (tax for short!… It’s in all the forums and Facebook groups! I had to ask to be sure though πŸ™ˆ),I have felt awful, I mean it, every cell in my body has ached, I fell over on the weekend and that didn’t help as I cut my hands, bruised my ankle and cut my knee, but on top of that I have just honestly felt awful.

I’m not one for pain killers but I had to take them to just ease the pain to sleep. My head, throat, teeth, bones, muscles everything seriously everything hurt I actually cried with pain one night because I couldn’t feel it easing it just wouldn’t shift. But a lot of it has and although my long bones ( collar bones, back, thighs, rib cage ) and head still ache, mostly it has calmed down and is manageable! All those DOMS days from the gym have put me in good practise for this battle.

Anyway, back to my realisation, so I’m not painting a pretty picture of the last week really, but on top of this money became a big worry and is ongoing for me, so on top of the aches I was trying to help sort someone out, worry about my financial position and just deal with you know those random situation where you are involved and just help and do what you feel is the right thing.

So cryptic message complete πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and Once again back to the realisation……this morning I woke with a smile and a thought and posted it on Facebook to more than a hundred likes (I was really happy about that! So thank you to my friends who liked it! As mostly what I say on my personal page is nonsense)….

…. Here it is…….. “I’m a pale, bald little chubster that aches like a granny…. But I have never been in such a good head space! I have such amazing people around me!”

It’s true, all of the above is true, I’m not happy with my weight or how I look but I seriously feel happy. I ache, I hurt but I’m happy and it’s weird and amazing to feel like it!

And following on from that I posted on a breast cancer forum………. ” I’m going to say this crazy thing that probably makes half of you want to punch me in the face but honestly apart from the pain, the aches, being bald, pale, chubbier than before, flat broke, I have come to realise how lucky I am. When the money stress and pains hit the background I stop and think how amazing the people I have around me are. And how amazing we all are. I honestly feel more comfortable just being me. Not trying to be a tanned blonde bikini model I once was. I just feel content that I am me and people like me. I don’t have to do anything to make them. I can be miserable and horrible somedays and people still want to be my friend. I am officially being real for the first time ever! Xxx love you all xxx big love for Saturday go treat yourself to a break with a brew and cake today xxxπŸ™ˆπŸ˜”

And again I got nearly 100 likes and lots of comments, lots of women agreeing with me and high fiving me rather than wanting to punch me.

Because it seems I’m not the only one to have the penny drop…… That life is for living, for the people we have in it ….. Not for trying to impress, trying to be a CEO and be a powerful workaholic it is for making memories. It is for laughing and smiling and making laughter lines around your eyes.

What this god awful disease has done for me, is give me perspective, I was near my break point when I got diagnosed, I had broken the year before and I was ready to break again, and cancer took the only thing I felt I had left…. My health and my body.

I will never look in a mirror and see the girl I once was, she has gone but I’m no shell of a girl crying in a corner, and I realise just how much I needed a reality check…. And I have got it from the highest order. I am finally real.

I am grateful to all the amazing people around me, to my family to my chosen family (friends), acquaintances that give support, other ladies battling on, to everyone that supports me and other people battling on and those that haven’t well I literally don’t care. I haven’t overanalysed why some people don’t like my posts on social media, why certain people don’t seem to bother to get in touch, I truly don’t care. Because the friends that do Are the ones I want. The people that care are who matter.

And I matter, I matter whether I am tanned, blonde bikini model and athlete who works a high powered job with a good salary …. Trying to make it to the top of the corporate world…and I matter as a bald, pale, chubbier, non-worker ( I’m on sick leave so one day I will be back at a desk, but not for a little while).
I am finally able to like myself more than ever, whether I have kids or I don’t ….. I know plenty of kids so if I don’t get my own I can screw up everyone else’s πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ my sister better watch out I’m blatantly going to be the bad aunty πŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚)

Of course I have my dark days but they are fewer and farer between than ever, they go quicker than they did. And of course I stress but it takes more, and I do stress less. But I’m present, I watch a film and watch it, I eat food and enjoy it, I fully appreciate the trees, the blue skies the 5 minutes I got earlier to put a face mask on.

And although I am mostly sleepy, or useless I feel happier in myself and there is no amount of money in the world that could have bought me this feeling of pure, unadulterated blissful realism.

Sometimes you have to go through a whole load of crap, to appreciate what you have.

But if anyone can learn from my lessons….. Enjoy yourself, love yourself and be real to yourself. Take five minutes to be grateful for what you have today. Xxxx

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The C Personality.

All day I have been contemplating what it takes for someone to be mean, are they born with it or did they grow up into it. At some point surely someone had to have just been born like it…… And then they created other people’s environments. So it is both?

This then led me to contemplate……Is it true that we all have cancer in us? I’ve heard many people say everyone does! and it is the unlucky minority that unfortunately provide the cancer cells the environment to grow.

So why does cancer thrive in some people and not others? Is it random? Is it a certain type of person?
I read a book sometime ago and it cited ‘the type C Personality’, the five characteristics are:

– Always putting others first
– low self -esteem
– bottling up emotions
– living in fear
– harbouring resentment

Interesting, I can relate! Can other cancer patients?

Always putting others first….. I’m easy going and a people pleaser….. It’s a fatal combination that means you do what others want, you eat where they want even when you have a craving for Indian you’ll end up at a Chinese because you just don’t speak up, as you just do what they want…… watch what they want, and just go along with it. You do their paper work before your own, do their jobs before your own, sort what they need and want first.

Bottling emotions. Tick. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing it though. I did.

Living in fear … Yep, I did that for a time.

Harbouring resentment. Here’s a little story. A woman who was previously a friend, was a bit sly I won’t go into details but her closing statement to me in a message was “well they will just cut it out of you and it will all be over.” I haven’t seen this woman since this message, and I’m not entirely sure if I would say anything but I would love to as that comment was bitter and the fact is they never just cut it out of you and it’s over. I bet there are no women or men alive that haven’t been affected by the diagnosis. It changes you! Plus I’m currently bald from chemo so clearly that didn’t happen for me!

The C Personality is ME. Wait, was ME.

I have twice in the past month requested where I eat, because I wanted to enjoy and fulfil my craving. (This might seem small but literally I just never do this!)

Emotionally….. Well I’m more of an open book than I have ever been and I hope it continues. I don’t pretend to be super happy all day every day anymore. I’m not, fact, and that has absolutely diddly squat to do with chemotherapy, that is me, I’m not super happy, I get sad, I get angry, I get silly, I get happy….. I’m all the emotions….. But I will always smile and be polite, even if I’m now telling you I’m miserable with it!

Fear? No I don’t fear cancer, i don’t fear death, i do think about death, I do think about a lot of things but I don’t have any major fears. I am not scared of any one person, disease or place. Spiders are a whole separate issue though!

Resentment. Now this one, this one I find tricky, I don’t resent anyone person or situation intensively that it consumes me. I do probably, if I am honest resent certain things from my past. And like my little story above, I don’t resent her…. But I haven’t forgotten what she said. And I do think there is a difference.

I believe I am stronger now than ever before. Because cancer opened my eyes to myself.

What I’m saying in a round about way is that maybe just maybe cancer is in us all, like they say, and some people, like me with the C personality nurture the cancer and give it an environment to grow.

But you can change the environment you live in, and you can change the environment your cells live in, and we are just a mass of millions of cells. So, if I improve my esteem, open up more, forget my fears, let go of past wrongs and just accept myself and my needs as important then maybe, just maybe I will be cancer free for the rest of my time in this world.

A toxin free environment isn’t just about the foods, products and chemicals we are in contact with daily ( although I advise anyone to take a Look on their bathroom shelf and sort what they eating out) …… It’s our brains as well. And when you start to believe you are a good person and a nice person and a friendly person and a worthwhile person then I think you are half way there to being cancer free for life. And to be honest just better off.

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Grumpy, Tired, & Useless.

So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.

A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go 😩 of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.

I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!

I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.

Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!

So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!

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