The C Personality.

All day I have been contemplating what it takes for someone to be mean, are they born with it or did they grow up into it. At some point surely someone had to have just been born like it…… And then they created other people’s environments. So it is both?

This then led me to contemplate……Is it true that we all have cancer in us? I’ve heard many people say everyone does! and it is the unlucky minority that unfortunately provide the cancer cells the environment to grow.

So why does cancer thrive in some people and not others? Is it random? Is it a certain type of person?
I read a book sometime ago and it cited ‘the type C Personality’, the five characteristics are:

– Always putting others first
– low self -esteem
– bottling up emotions
– living in fear
– harbouring resentment

Interesting, I can relate! Can other cancer patients?

Always putting others first….. I’m easy going and a people pleaser….. It’s a fatal combination that means you do what others want, you eat where they want even when you have a craving for Indian you’ll end up at a Chinese because you just don’t speak up, as you just do what they want…… watch what they want, and just go along with it. You do their paper work before your own, do their jobs before your own, sort what they need and want first.

Bottling emotions. Tick. You’ll drive yourself crazy doing it though. I did.

Living in fear … Yep, I did that for a time.

Harbouring resentment. Here’s a little story. A woman who was previously a friend, was a bit sly I won’t go into details but her closing statement to me in a message was “well they will just cut it out of you and it will all be over.” I haven’t seen this woman since this message, and I’m not entirely sure if I would say anything but I would love to as that comment was bitter and the fact is they never just cut it out of you and it’s over. I bet there are no women or men alive that haven’t been affected by the diagnosis. It changes you! Plus I’m currently bald from chemo so clearly that didn’t happen for me!

The C Personality is ME. Wait, was ME.

I have twice in the past month requested where I eat, because I wanted to enjoy and fulfil my craving. (This might seem small but literally I just never do this!)

Emotionally….. Well I’m more of an open book than I have ever been and I hope it continues. I don’t pretend to be super happy all day every day anymore. I’m not, fact, and that has absolutely diddly squat to do with chemotherapy, that is me, I’m not super happy, I get sad, I get angry, I get silly, I get happy….. I’m all the emotions….. But I will always smile and be polite, even if I’m now telling you I’m miserable with it!

Fear? No I don’t fear cancer, i don’t fear death, i do think about death, I do think about a lot of things but I don’t have any major fears. I am not scared of any one person, disease or place. Spiders are a whole separate issue though!

Resentment. Now this one, this one I find tricky, I don’t resent anyone person or situation intensively that it consumes me. I do probably, if I am honest resent certain things from my past. And like my little story above, I don’t resent her…. But I haven’t forgotten what she said. And I do think there is a difference.

I believe I am stronger now than ever before. Because cancer opened my eyes to myself.

What I’m saying in a round about way is that maybe just maybe cancer is in us all, like they say, and some people, like me with the C personality nurture the cancer and give it an environment to grow.

But you can change the environment you live in, and you can change the environment your cells live in, and we are just a mass of millions of cells. So, if I improve my esteem, open up more, forget my fears, let go of past wrongs and just accept myself and my needs as important then maybe, just maybe I will be cancer free for the rest of my time in this world.

A toxin free environment isn’t just about the foods, products and chemicals we are in contact with daily ( although I advise anyone to take a Look on their bathroom shelf and sort what they eating out) …… It’s our brains as well. And when you start to believe you are a good person and a nice person and a friendly person and a worthwhile person then I think you are half way there to being cancer free for life. And to be honest just better off.

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Natural Remedies. 

Obviously, as you can see from my previous moans and groans… I am a wanna-be toxin free mind and body kind of girl. I try my best to be 100% but I’m sure even the most confident people in the world have a shake of mind and spirits and want to eat pizza! 

The toxin free, clean (mostly) eating in itself is a personal choice and I don’t force it upon anyone although I actually do recommend trying it. As for me I have found some great natural remedies along the way and been shocked by what I used to put on and into my body! Obviously I still have a flutter with ice cream, a drink, and have the odd pizza or other junk food! I am only human! 

But as I am on a crap load of unnatural, man-made drugs to rid me of any Cancer still left in this body, I try to not use all the medication they provide to stop the side effects. I do use the anti-nausea items because seriously I hate being sick and that would cause me so much stress to be throwing up after each chemo for hours. I made that choice and I will stick to it. 

But so, basically, when dealing with chemo and breast cancer surgery and etc etc you are told no deodorants. There is a lot of crap in those standard deodarants and well let’s be honest…. Do you still moan you smell at the end of the day girls? Yep, most girls I know do! But not me…. Little miss hippy over here makes her own and I don’t smell! …. I literally mix the amazing (sometimes it seems to good to be true) organic  coconut oil and bicarbonate of soda together! And I am smell free for the day….. Also you can use this same mixture as a toothpaste to remove stains … Forget expensive toxic bleaching and give the  80p bicarbonate of soda from the supermarket a go! 

  I also use bicarbonate mixed with alkalising salts to clear my bowels. I know gross! But seriously constipation is the worst from chemo and sickness medication, it hurts, it makes you feel 10 years older, you feel frumpy and just down right poo! (Pardon my pun). Now I used to use bicarbonate of soda as an alkalising buffer when I was a sprinter and personally stumbled upon the, then adverse effects of the 80p supermarket goody, when someone else mixed my drink for me and made it too strong and I subsequently ran to the toilet not around the running track fast! But should anyone want a performance aid that is natural and buffers lactic …then do some research as there is a proper measure to use…. From memory I believe I used to use….. 1g to every 10kg body weight 90mins pre track session and 30 mins pre track session… I didn’t do this for long as I had a few car accidents and then quit so never competed on it but double check its ok to race on and see how it works in training for all sports where ‘you hit the wall, get lactic, feel the burn’ … Or just use it as a good clear out for the intestines! 😱🙈 but be careful of you have heart conditions I don’t recommend using too much if you are salt sensitive! 

  Organic Coconut oil…. My favourite thing…. Seriously stranded on a dessert island I would take this … Or I guess learn to crack open coconuts and make my own! … It can be used to pull the bacteria and toxins from the body by swilling it in the mouth for 15mins, it makes your teeth whiter, skin softer, apparently scars heal faster (I’ll let you all know on this … Bio oil never worked for me so I will see if this works!) and my hair grow faster, which my hair is now growing and I look like a fluff ball! 

On top of this… You can cook in it and eat it! And yes when on Keto diets and desperate for chocolate I have had the odd teaspoon of coconut oil straight from the jar as pudding! 

I literally have a jar in what feels like every room!  

And just as a bonus to this post here is a little positive meme from the ladies of young breast cancer forum who I chat with regularly on Facebook! 

 

Grumpy, Tired, & Useless.

So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.

A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go 😩 of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.

I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!

I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.

Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!

So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!

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Cold And Coffee.

how hot was it yesterday and today I have felt so tired and cold I’m under a blanket with a jumper on and my fake coffee with organic milk! 

It’s best to use organic coffee and organic milk they are two of the most heavily effected products affected by pesticides. 

Is anyone else this cold? Gawd I hope I’m not unwell and that my blood count is high enough for chemo. I am worried it won’t be as last time it was quite low and obviously the ongoing effect on your body is that it gets harder and harder for your white blood cell four to recover so I’m hoping leaving my blood collection until today means I will have a high enough count! 

  

Tears and tantrums, turned away from a spa, and a heat wave.

So i haven’t written for a while as I had a bit of a wobble last week, I went running and just poured with tears and returned home to cry some more, Cass the ever compassionate girl she is told me I’m not pretty when I cry and to stop it! She then went on to sit on the phone to help me try to sort some funding streams as statutory sick pay of £88 a week is pretty hard to live on to be honest! So hopefully some of the phone calls will have paid off and if they have ill treat her to BBQ!

Two days after this breakdown me and Cass headed to Stratford manor spa for a relaxing break, and I filled out my forms, ticked all the boxes, and got changed then walked to my massage like five minutes after changing into my swimsuit ( I haven’t owned a swimsuit since I was about 16 … Always bikinis! )

So I rocked up to the treatment room to be told I couldn’t be massaged, apparently they will spread the cancer, when I pointed out the guardian had just this week had an article saying this to be untrue and that Mcmillian offer massage as part of treatment, I was still told no and subsequently sobbed like a child, because on top of this the therapist couldn’t give me a facial or any other treatment, I felt like a social outcast that is contagious. You won’t catch cancer from me and even offering to call my doctors wasn’t good enough they wanted written clarification, which they don’t state on their website and don’t mention on the phone when you book. I’m not saying they should say do you have cancer or anything like that but maybe a simple… Do you have any medical or physical conditions currently being treated by medical professionals or physiotherapists etc.then the spa could look into it and call you back before you drive all the way to your destination. I was so ashamed, and poor Cass had driven us all the way there and refused to stay for her treatment because I couldn’t have one. I suppose walking out to her with tears in my eyes might not have helped. We even had to argue to get a refund! I mean first of all they said they would give me a goodie bag, and never did then I had to argue to get a full refund and not just a part refund. They just made the whole event so shameful and I will never go back there! Or any of the q hotels. They shamed me so now I will shun them!

So after this, we went to see a newly married friend instead and then went out, and yes I had a few drinks because I had been traumatised that day! 2 days later I had a day and a half migraine and didn’t get out of bed for a day!

So now a few days on and a meet up with a good friend, a comedy show (dapper laughs) and the purchase of a really tall fan later I’m feeling better. Headache is gone, and im melting in the heatwave but managed to sit outside and catch a little tan with my factor 30 on!

Now to count down the days to blood tests on Thursday and chemo Friday, I think Friday I’m going to ask about my hand again as it’s still sore and something is definitely not right with it!

Oh and in excitingly positive news my hair seems to be growing back, I look like a fluffy baby duck, but it’s exciting! What isn’t exciting is hearing that chemo – t that I start in 3-4 weeks is the one that makes you loose your eyebrows and eyelashes and makes you ache! So I have one more FEC (my extra one) and then the t starts.

Off I go now! I need to watch my programme 🙈 ……my kitchen rules australia…. Seriously addicted to this and love island! And I don’t care who knows!

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