Tears and tantrums, turned away from a spa, and a heat wave.

So i haven’t written for a while as I had a bit of a wobble last week, I went running and just poured with tears and returned home to cry some more, Cass the ever compassionate girl she is told me I’m not pretty when I cry and to stop it! She then went on to sit on the phone to help me try to sort some funding streams as statutory sick pay of ¬£88 a week is pretty hard to live on to be honest! So hopefully some of the phone calls will have paid off and if they have ill treat her to BBQ!

Two days after this breakdown me and Cass headed to Stratford manor spa for a relaxing break, and I filled out my forms, ticked all the boxes, and got changed then walked to my massage like five minutes after changing into my swimsuit ( I haven’t owned a swimsuit since I was about 16 … Always bikinis! )

So I rocked up to the treatment room to be told I couldn’t be massaged, apparently they will spread the cancer, when I pointed out the guardian had just this week had an article saying this to be untrue and that Mcmillian offer massage as part of treatment, I was still told no and subsequently sobbed like a child, because on top of this the therapist couldn’t give me a facial or any other treatment, I felt like a social outcast that is contagious. You won’t catch cancer from me and even offering to call my doctors wasn’t good enough they wanted written clarification, which they don’t state on their website and don’t mention on the phone when you book. I’m not saying they should say do you have cancer or anything like that but maybe a simple… Do you have any medical or physical conditions currently being treated by medical professionals or physiotherapists etc.then the spa could look into it and call you back before you drive all the way to your destination. I was so ashamed, and poor Cass had driven us all the way there and refused to stay for her treatment because I couldn’t have one. I suppose walking out to her with tears in my eyes might not have helped. We even had to argue to get a refund! I mean first of all they said they would give me a goodie bag, and never did then I had to argue to get a full refund and not just a part refund. They just made the whole event so shameful and I will never go back there! Or any of the q hotels. They shamed me so now I will shun them!

So after this, we went to see a newly married friend instead and then went out, and yes I had a few drinks because I had been traumatised that day! 2 days later I had a day and a half migraine and didn’t get out of bed for a day!

So now a few days on and a meet up with a good friend, a comedy show (dapper laughs) and the purchase of a really tall fan later I’m feeling better. Headache is gone, and im melting in the heatwave but managed to sit outside and catch a little tan with my factor 30 on!

Now to count down the days to blood tests on Thursday and chemo Friday, I think Friday I’m going to ask about my hand again as it’s still sore and something is definitely not right with it!

Oh and in excitingly positive news my hair seems to be growing back, I look like a fluffy baby duck, but it’s exciting! What isn’t exciting is hearing that chemo – t that I start in 3-4 weeks is the one that makes you loose your eyebrows and eyelashes and makes you ache! So I have one more FEC (my extra one) and then the t starts.

Off I go now! I need to watch my programme ūüôą ……my kitchen rules australia…. Seriously addicted to this and love island! And I don’t care who knows!

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Waking Up Is Hard To Do. 

i know I try to be Little Miss Positivity, but do I feel like it this rainy morning? … NO! 

I am sat with my hood whilst inside incase anyone sees me through the window, as I feel embarrassed about the state of my hair and the future state of my head! 

I tried to prepare myself for it, cutting my hair short,  but honestly, I feel pathetic. I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, but I do! I don’t want to, but I really feel yuck about myself. I’ve gained weight, I have no hair and because I threw most of my make up away I don’t have much to play with and all my earrings make me feel like a drag queen! 

It doesn’t matter how many people say to me you knew this was going to happen… It doesn’t help! And how many people tell me beauty comes from within…. Does it? Tell that to the organic make up site I went on last night and spent ¬£100 on to make my face look pretty! 

This thug look is just embarrassing I feel like I need to hide. I started driving to my hypnotherapy and yoga session this morning at the Haven,  but got stuck in so much traffic it wasn’t happening,  so I turned around and headed to Tesco to stock up on organic goodies.

Whilst on the way some men where walking and looking into the cars so I swiftly put my hood back up over my shaved head and hid, same in Tesco’s I kept my hood up and prayed I didn’t see anyone I know! Sad but true. It’s just so bizarre how my hair coming out and now waiting for it to progressively look worse and tufty then to a shiny bald head, has really knocked my confidence to even do the basic things … Like walk around the shops! 

Honestly, I just want to curl up today and hide. So first thing is first! I’m going to post a picture of my baldy head… Then it’s out there isn’t it… Everyone will have seen it and hopefully I will get some relief from ‘outing’ my head! 

… And then I will do what I know I do best …dust myself off and get on with it. So next order of the day is to dress myself up including my wig and go to lunch with Zoe, then I will take Cassie to the gym and put her through her paces, and although I can’t do much, I can do little bits here and there and just get used to being in the gym again. 

My question of the day is how do wigs react to rain? I don’t want to ruin it? Anyone know if I should avoid getting this wet? Well, I guess I’ll find out!  

full organic fridge!
 
my hunter gear hoody hiding my head, thanks for giving me this hoody Jack!
    
losing hair fast
 
on the move, with my shaved thug head