2 years past: too GLAM to give a DAMN

Ok, so today is my sisters birthday – happy birthday big sis 😘! And it’s also my 2 year mark since being told I had breast cancer. 

So, I guess I feel I should post a blog. Maybe, it should be motivational/ goal orientated; hummm maybe it should be reminiscing over this day two years ago; maybe, it should be a scared post or a scientific post. 

I guess, in all honesty I don’t really know what to say.

 It’s two years, and I am the happiest I have ever been. 

I’m not scared, I’m not sad I’m just me! I smile and laugh everyday! And I mean proper tears in eyes laughter! 

I managed to get employed again – yeah- and I love it – I’m chilled, it’s a nice place to work and I have met some pretty cool people that I now see every day (ok – Monday to friday). 

I am happy. Obviously I’m not a mentalist I have my off days, my moody moments, sad moments but in general I bounce back faster than ever! And I don’t really think about the fact that I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes, got fat, pale, tired and sick for the best part of a year. 

I am happy to say I’m a little bit random, weird and just well ME! 

And I suppose I just want anyone who is at the diagnosis day, who’s searching the internet for hope (like I did) to know, it’s not the end, it’s not an easy ride, granted… but if and when you are lucky enough to get to the other side,  you somehow appreciate life that little bit more! I live life for now, for the experiences, the memories not the bank balance and however you may think this will ruin you, crush you…. it doesn’t. 

And I definitely feel like I am

Too glam to give a damn, about what anyone thinks, about what I should be doing , about how my life should have panned out! 


Oh and I have hair! 😂😬(ok half of it is extensions, but like I said I’m just so glam I don’t give a damn it’s not my own hair! (You can’t even tell I have hair in this photo – but I like it so it’s going in the blog!) 


Over and out! 

Now to drink wine 🍷 oh and book a holiday ☀️… why, because I can! 

P.s. Thank you to everyone that has encouraged, loved me and made me laugh over the last couple of years and long may it continue! 😘

Tattoo planning 

So, some may have seen my insta-rant! It’s not fair, why me… blah blah blah, but I got over my on-coming set back pretty quickly and moved to the Pinterest stalking phase! 

So I’m all over Pinterest, instagram, google etc etc to find tattoo ideas. 

I need future surgery, they don’t know when this will be, well they do, when I can’t take the pain any more, but I’m pretty hard-core and strong willed so I think that will be a while yet! 

But they have said I can get tattoos and that is what I’m going to do! So I’m thinking things like this…. 

I’m back….. it’s been a while! But today at my first annual check I realised I survived, I conquered and I won the battle of my life … because it was me against my body gone mad!

  Well aren’t I the happy girl. 

Now to get my mojo back and work on the website. I’m back! 

A short but sweet start back to blogging, webbing, creating and fitness! I am feeling so happy right now! 

#motivated #workhard #breastcancer #thisgirlcan #chemotocool #website #app #fitness #motivated #fire

it’s been a long time.

Well, it’s been a really long time since i blogged. In short, I had a secondary cancer scare, scans, a few melt downs because of it and then got the all clear. THANK F*&k for that! (I will do my best to go over that in a separate blog in detail.)

I suppose I should feel super motivated, you know to get up attack each day and make it count! but I haven’t quite got that mood in me yet. I do somedays and not others. I’m not 100% sure what direction I want my life to take.

I feel like, I have in some ways gone back to being to helpful to people. You know, doing things for people and getting little in return. Not concentrating on myself enough. I’ve never really been selfish enough, thinking my life and my objectives are more important than others. I do need to start placing importance on my thoughts, feelings and plans.

Now, I do realise, I’m normally super positive, but let’s be honest we can’t all be positive all the time, sometimes we just are, and sometimes we are down. But if you can identify and work through the off days then i see this as a good thing. And, it is what I am going to do.

June is going to be the month of getting myself straight. I have lots of plans and ideas (too many, i think), I’m going to work my way through my ‘S*&t’ and build myself a happy land. Where I am my number 1 priority.

What do I want to do today?
What do I want to achieve this week?
What career path do I want?
The beauty of having a year of not being my typical self, not overworking, running around like a headless chicken is that I can truly work out what it takes to make myself tick. And, maybe at 32 (i also had a birthday) I should know what I want to be when i grow up. 🙂

So, through the month of June, I am going to get my head straight and work my path out.

Do the standard Goal setting, write it down, start working towards my future. Instead of fitting into what people expect and want from me.

June is about ME.

#earthday 

  

It’s here. #earthday 2016. Make sure today, you take a moment to appreciate the trees and wildlife around you. Earth day to do’s: Walk to town instead of driving. Plant a tree for someone special instead of buying packaged gifts. Grow your own veg (using less pesticides). Give back to the soil and the trees! 🌲🌳♻️ #earthday #earthday2016

Bitter Apricot Kernels as Cancer Treatment. 

  
So as of this week I am back on the apricot kernels, the natural cancer killer. After getting my bone scan results on Monday, I am trying not to breakdown into tears, or any other crazies. Instead I moped for a couple of days and then dug out my apricot kernels. I am eating 15-25 a day. In 5s. Anymore and you can actually poison yourself with cyanide! But at this dose you can remain ok and have the best chance to fight off any stray cancer cells. My scan result showed a black mark on my ribs. Which could be a broken bone that I didn’t know about (as my friends have said I am superwoman!) or cancer or I guess something else.

The body creates a load of random things so it really could be anything. 

I’m off for a PET scan in the next few weeks to determine what the ‘shadow’ is on the back of my ribs! Here’s hoping for a broken rib! 

But until I get the scan and the results. I will be eating my Apricot kernels full of benzaldehyde and cyanide, to kill off cancer! 

#cancer #ybcn #breastcancer #secondary cancer #bone #scan #petscan #apricotkernels 

Cancer F*&ked Me.

I said to myself a few weeks ago I wasn’t going to keep writing about cancer and feelings and being one of those emotional bloggers.

I was going to become one of those popular bloggers that write reviews about the multitude of products they use, and how to apply make up to look like a Kardashian. But here I am again, writing about cancer.

Cancer has F*&ked me! I know I shouldn’t say that,and sorry Mom if you are reading this but we both no I only don’t swear in front of you, and the rest of the time I do! And I suppose I am not giving much hope to all those out there about to embark on the journey, that it is doable (please note it is doable and I am just having a ‘fear’ day, and that any lady reading this who has survived, or is going through treatment will know is normal).

I spent my day yesterday, my mother’s birthday (whom I did not tell)in hospital waiting to be seen by a doctor, a man who effectively poisoned me and radiated me with beams of light to rid me of a disease that could of killed me. I waited 2 hours, due to him running late, to be told I need bone scans.

No, don’t worry or I’m sure it isn’t anything, or no it isn’t the bone the GP has it wrong. A chat, another appointment with him in 6 weeks, blood tests and a bone scan request. Since chemo and radiotherapy have finished I have already had my first ever filling, chronic pain in my left breast and numb finger tips (further investigation pending – it’s either carpel tunnel – common apparently after chemo or nerve damage again thanks to chemo!)

Best case scenario from this bone scan is I have weak bones due to radiotherapy, worst case scenario secondary cancer, and somewhere in between lies the potential that I have a broken rib due to weakness from a treatment for a disease that invaded my body and wont seem to fully leave me alone!

To be told this, whilst you see all the leap year Meme’s on facebook, stating use your extra day wisely, get engaged, blah blah blah, and knowing that if you hadn’t been in the hospital you would have visited your mom on her 60th Birthday, well F*&ked me right off.

This time last year, I got diagnosed with cancer, I didnt really beleive the concerns, I was too fit, to healthy, but the day I got diagnosed (my sister’s birthday) whilst i was in the waiting room, I felt that wind blow across my body, you know the one you see in the films, that means something is about to happen. I felt that all knowing feeling and knew before they even told me, that I had cancer. In my lifetime I never want to feel that again!

yesterday, and today I have felt scared. What if I am designing a help system for women out of recovery and I have it again? I feel sick at the thought of how to tell my mom. I honestly can’t cope with the emotions it makes others feel around me.

Will I live to see my 40th Birthday? Will I be here? what am i going to be remembered as if I die? Do I want to die? Am I ok with it? Have I achieved enough? Why am I not getting up earlier, and making the most of each day? why haven’t I created a bucket list? Why am I not doing all the things I say I will do and want to do… why am I coasting at the moment?

Am, I going to have to go through this every year? every time there is a check up, or something doesn’t feel right? Am I going to type a yearly blog of how scared I am? Or how I am underachieving?

What if it isn’t cancer, and I have weak bones… am I mean’t to be thankful for that? because I don’t think I will be! I don’t want to forever more be in pain when I lie on my left side. I don’t want to be fragile. I don’t want to feel like I could break a bone through sneezing.

I am not a fragile person. I am robust. I have survived car crashes that should have killed me, repaired my body after countless running injuries,been thrown across rooms and not even so much as got a bruise. I just survive. I always have, and now I have this niggle in the back of my head thinking, what if….what if I don’t, what if i used up my 7 lives?

I am writing this, thinking I don’t even want to publish it, as my mom will get upset, and worry and i honestly can’t even cope with the burden of her feelings, but i know I need to vent and get this of my chest because otherwise I am probably going to cry. And F*&K if I am giving cancer anymore tears!

This disease is crap, the treatment is traumatic and the after care is well non-existent. My doctors, my breast care nurse and everyone have said no mental health support for me, as breast cancer isn’t allowed to have it. So i write, I write about how f*&king scared I am that 1) I could get breast cancer again, 2) I could get secondary cancer, that is basically un-treatable, 3) that i get ovarian cancer – from the pills i take to keep breast cancer away 4) that my life feels a total mess right now. And that I am not in control.

Not quite the blog of a positive young woman, striving to be calm and have toxin free thoughts.

Pink Hair, do you care? 

 
Well, I have always wanted dusty pink long hair, and well I have always been too scared to go for it! Well since the whole cancer thing, I have been more conscious of my image, how I look, no more are the days of leaving the house with no make up on or earrings in! 

Well I went for it and my beautiful hairdresser / good friend Dionne dyed it pink…. Bloody hair didn’t take so she did it again and I have electric pink hair! And well I’m learning how to rock it. I tried the messy look… Wasn’t for me, so I’m going with this more sleek version…. And adding ear cuffs and hoops.

I feel fresh and cool… I blatantly don’t sound it when I write that! Lol! But I had the courage to go for it. I’d normally talk about hair colours and then always ask for blonde anyway. And I have discovered hair grows! And so does confidence any women going through treatment … When you finish … Wack a crazy hair colour in your hair! It’s so much fun! 

I want to make all women realise how confident and wonderful they can be after cancer. Life is an adventure and I want to help women brave the elements and transform themselves into the best version of themselves! Like I am doing! So if you do want to support me with my project I am raising money to help fund the development of a phone app to help women get fit, get healthy, eat good food, stress less, lead a less toxic life and enjoy life more. 

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My Makeup :

 eyebrow powder : lilo 

mascara: Inika

Eyeshadow: Inika 

Eye liner: Inika 

Jewelry: 

Hoops:  river island 

Ear cuff: miss selfridge 

 Hair products: no gel used, I used Fushi really good hair oil.

Long winter day! Cozy winter night! 

So it’s been a long winter Monday, not a bad day, a decent day but a long tiring one! Those sort of days. So when I came home to an empty warm home and full fridge, I was honestly like …. This is bliss! 

I jumped in the shower and used my new shampoo and conditioner, that I received for my birthday months ago from the lovely Fiona, but as my hair has been non-existent you don’t tend to use much shampoo so this year I have literally only got through one lot of shampoo and conditioner. 

My new one is very spa smelling!  It’s fushi’s  Arman and Amalaki herbal shampoo. Full of lots of amazing stuff like vitamin b5 argan oil and is lovely for my new baby hair!   

And since I’ve been using it everyone has commented how thick my hair is, so i reckon it’s working a treat for my hair! I also rub the Fushi’s really good hair oil  (also from Fiona) into my little locks after a shower! It’s meant to be put on the night before and you wash it out but I just use it all the time! Before bed when I wake up! 

 
All the fushi products I use are free from parabans and chemicals and full of good stuff! 
  
Look at all that hair, and yes I now have a grey patch! But that’s what hair dye is for! (Eventually) 

So, post shower I slipped on my new cozy slippers and painted my nails in my favourite sparkly little Ondine non- toxic nail varnish with a cup of pukka organic herbal tea and a copy of vogue! 

   
   

I’m in my little world of quiet winter cozy night happiness.