Cancer…..

I said to myself a few weeks ago I wasn’t going to keep writing about cancer and feelings and being one of those emotional bloggers.

I was going to become one of those popular bloggers that write reviews about the multitude of products they use, and how to apply make up to look like a Kardashian. But here I am again, writing about cancer.

! And I suppose I am not giving much hope to all those out there about to embark on the journey, that it is doable (please note it is doable and I am just having a ‘fear’ day, and that any lady reading this who has survived, or is going through treatment will know is normal).

I spent my day yesterday, my mother’s birthday (whom I did not tell)in hospital waiting to be seen by a doctor, a man who effectively poisoned me and radiated me with beams of light to rid me of a disease that could of killed me. I waited 2 hours, due to him running late, to be told I need bone scans.

No, don’t worry or I’m sure it isn’t anything, or no it isn’t the bone the GP has it wrong. A chat, another appointment with him in 6 weeks, blood tests and a bone scan request. Since chemo and radiotherapy have finished I have already had my first ever filling, chronic pain in my left breast and numb finger tips (further investigation pending – it’s either carpel tunnel – common apparently after chemo or nerve damage again thanks to chemo!)

Best case scenario from this bone scan is I have weak bones due to radiotherapy, worst case scenario secondary cancer, and somewhere in between lies the potential that I have a broken rib due to weakness from a treatment for a disease that invaded my body and wont seem to fully leave me alone!

To be told this, whilst you see all the leap year Meme’s on facebook, stating use your extra day wisely, get engaged, blah blah blah, and knowing that if you hadn’t been in the hospital you would have visited your mom on her 60th Birthday, well F*&ked me right off.

This time last year, I got diagnosed with cancer, I didnt really beleive the concerns, I was too fit, to healthy, but the day I got diagnosed (my sister’s birthday) whilst i was in the waiting room, I felt that wind blow across my body, you know the one you see in the films, that means something is about to happen. I felt that all knowing feeling and knew before they even told me, that I had cancer. In my lifetime I never want to feel that again!

yesterday, and today I have felt scared. What if I am designing a help system for women out of recovery and I have it again? I feel sick at the thought of how to tell my mom. I honestly can’t cope with the emotions it makes others feel around me.

Will I live to see my 40th Birthday? Will I be here? what am i going to be remembered as if I die? Do I want to die? Am I ok with it? Have I achieved enough? Why am I not getting up earlier, and making the most of each day? why haven’t I created a bucket list? Why am I not doing all the things I say I will do and want to do… why am I coasting at the moment?

Am, I going to have to go through this every year? every time there is a check up, or something doesn’t feel right? Am I going to type a yearly blog of how scared I am? Or how I am underachieving?

What if it isn’t cancer, and I have weak bones… am I mean’t to be thankful for that? because I don’t think I will be! I don’t want to forever more be in pain when I lie on my left side. I don’t want to be fragile. I don’t want to feel like I could break a bone through sneezing.

I am not a fragile person. I am robust. I have survived car crashes that should have killed me, repaired my body after countless running injuries,been thrown across rooms and not even so much as got a bruise. I just survive. I always have, and now I have this niggle in the back of my head thinking, what if….what if I don’t, what if i used up my 7 lives?

I am writing this, thinking I don’t even want to publish it, as my mom will get upset, and worry and i honestly can’t even cope with the burden of her feelings, but i know I need to vent and get this of my chest because otherwise I am probably going to cry. And F*&K if I am giving cancer anymore tears!

This disease is crap, the treatment is traumatic and the after care is well non-existent. My doctors, my breast care nurse and everyone have said no mental health support for me, as breast cancer isn’t allowed to have it. So i write, I write about how f*&king scared I am that 1) I could get breast cancer again, 2) I could get secondary cancer, that is basically un-treatable, 3) that i get ovarian cancer – from the pills i take to keep breast cancer away 4) that my life feels a total mess right now. And that I am not in control.

Not quite the blog of a positive young woman, striving to be calm and have toxin free thoughts.

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Sunshine is coming. 

  
So, I’ve been really melancholy the past few days, and if I haven’t been ‘meh’ then I’ve been raging or if I haven’t been raging I’ve been sick. So this last week really had taken a turn for the worst as I start the 5 year journey on tamoxifen. 

Can I handle it? Well honestly I’m not sure. But I’ve only done 6-7 days so I’m giving it a chance. I’ve had the sickness and headaches that was so bad one day this week I didn’t get out of bed apart from to be sick. 

Poor old Cassie had to be my nurse again, running off to the chemist for migrane tablets to try to take the edge off the pain. It’s made me feel like I’m never going to be free from this disease and its side effects. 

I look at my finger nails and they are pulling away from the beds, my head and stomach have finally settled but I feel like I’m recovering from the flu, all fatigued and emotional, when at the start of the week I felt lovely. I mean I felt full of energy and its like its all drained away and all I feel capable of is to lie down and rest… Wrapped up as I’m freezing (but in layers so that when the hot flashes hit I can get cool!) 

I shouldn’t moan I’m a mere handful (large handful) of days away from a sunshine holiday and I honestly can’t wait to go. I can’t wait to be laying by the pool and chilling out. 2 weeks in the sunshine is definitely needed after this year! 

I’ve been 70/30 good / bad eating most of my 30 is the odd drink to be honest and pasta… Not that pasta is bad but it doesn’t fit with the keto diet I like to practice to reduce my chances of the dreaded C coming back plus it’s what makes me feel the best in myself. I practice a moderate keto diet so it’s probably more of what you would called a balanced diet that favours vegetables and fats rather than favouring protein or complex carbs. I think I should probably address it as a balanced diet from now on as sometimes when things are labelled people fear what you are doing is a fad diet or this or that but my current eating habits have come from the path of a former strict keto diet. 

But this style of eating has meant that even though I’m on medication and I can’t train how I used to, I have still lost 7ibs in 4 weeks and am safely under the 11stone milestone I wanted to be. Now for a couple more weeks I want to tip the balance back to 80/20% so 80% good rather than 70 and see if I can loose another couple of pounds. The new medication I’m on, tamoxifen, can cause weight gain but I’m hoping that won’t happen to me. I’m pretty sure it will be holiday weight gain not medication! 🙈

Right I’m going to move my butt cheeks and start digging out the summer clothes! A summer holiday in winter… This is going to be weird!  

   
Training face from earlier in the week! 
  
Nails from a couple of weeks ago… They look even worse now 🙈 but hopefully they will sort themselves out. 

Radioactive Secret Agent

So I’ve been quiet lately, only because I’ve been in hospital everyday (Monday to Friday) and just chilling out.

I’m feeling more like myself at the moment, singing along in the car to my old favourite tunes and just being me … A complete geek! I do unfortunately now have an abscess that can’t be treated until radiotherapy is finished and they assess my ability to heal so until then I get to have a face that is a bit swollen. But I am on antibiotics which is helping to take down the swelling.

I’m also nearly done with radiotherapy now! Two more sessions to go (I’ve had 13) it’s really nice in the Worcester oncology centre, the receptionists are two lovely ladies who are really friendly and check me in each day before I even get to the desk and the radiology team are brilliant.

They call me the ‘secret agent’, as I have a different look everyday and today was no different I rocked up in my new wig that I got yesterday, thanks to my mom and dad! Stourbridge now has a wig shop! And when we we’re walking to get a Sunday lunch I darted in and tried on a few wigs and got this baby! Excuse the terrible photo it was taken in the hospital changing room early this morning! But 26inches of gingery / brown / golden hair let’s call it strawberry ash-blonde/ brown 😂.

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So, anyway radiotherapy is going well, I was a little sore from the position my arms have to be in for the beams to zap me. But I’ve been using twice daily pure Aloe Vera gel which is totally natural and organic. And for me has kept the red and soreness at bay which is a common side effect of radiotherapy.

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The new building at Worcester hospital is amazing and the radioactive room as I call it, is friendly, I know friendly is a weird thing to say, but all the staff are friendly and the lights have clouds over them and music is playing for you the whole time the beeps go off and you get zapped.

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That round bit on the top moves to a few different positions and zaps you for around 15 seconds or 7 seconds at a time 6 times in total it’s about 60 seconds of radiotherapy.

And I keep my wigs on each time! And smile, and stare at the clouds! And get zapped!

2 days time I will have finished active treatment 😁 and then to discuss the long term plan! But I am super excited to be coming to an end of daily treatment.

Natural Remedies. 

Obviously, as you can see from my previous moans and groans… I am a wanna-be toxin free mind and body kind of girl. I try my best to be 100% but I’m sure even the most confident people in the world have a shake of mind and spirits and want to eat pizza! 

The toxin free, clean (mostly) eating in itself is a personal choice and I don’t force it upon anyone although I actually do recommend trying it. As for me I have found some great natural remedies along the way and been shocked by what I used to put on and into my body! Obviously I still have a flutter with ice cream, a drink, and have the odd pizza or other junk food! I am only human! 

But as I am on a crap load of unnatural, man-made drugs to rid me of any Cancer still left in this body, I try to not use all the medication they provide to stop the side effects. I do use the anti-nausea items because seriously I hate being sick and that would cause me so much stress to be throwing up after each chemo for hours. I made that choice and I will stick to it. 

But so, basically, when dealing with chemo and breast cancer surgery and etc etc you are told no deodorants. There is a lot of crap in those standard deodarants and well let’s be honest…. Do you still moan you smell at the end of the day girls? Yep, most girls I know do! But not me…. Little miss hippy over here makes her own and I don’t smell! …. I literally mix the amazing (sometimes it seems to good to be true) organic  coconut oil and bicarbonate of soda together! And I am smell free for the day….. Also you can use this same mixture as a toothpaste to remove stains … Forget expensive toxic bleaching and give the  80p bicarbonate of soda from the supermarket a go! 

  I also use bicarbonate mixed with alkalising salts to clear my bowels. I know gross! But seriously constipation is the worst from chemo and sickness medication, it hurts, it makes you feel 10 years older, you feel frumpy and just down right poo! (Pardon my pun). Now I used to use bicarbonate of soda as an alkalising buffer when I was a sprinter and personally stumbled upon the, then adverse effects of the 80p supermarket goody, when someone else mixed my drink for me and made it too strong and I subsequently ran to the toilet not around the running track fast! But should anyone want a performance aid that is natural and buffers lactic …then do some research as there is a proper measure to use…. From memory I believe I used to use….. 1g to every 10kg body weight 90mins pre track session and 30 mins pre track session… I didn’t do this for long as I had a few car accidents and then quit so never competed on it but double check its ok to race on and see how it works in training for all sports where ‘you hit the wall, get lactic, feel the burn’ … Or just use it as a good clear out for the intestines! 😱🙈 but be careful of you have heart conditions I don’t recommend using too much if you are salt sensitive! 

  Organic Coconut oil…. My favourite thing…. Seriously stranded on a dessert island I would take this … Or I guess learn to crack open coconuts and make my own! … It can be used to pull the bacteria and toxins from the body by swilling it in the mouth for 15mins, it makes your teeth whiter, skin softer, apparently scars heal faster (I’ll let you all know on this … Bio oil never worked for me so I will see if this works!) and my hair grow faster, which my hair is now growing and I look like a fluff ball! 

On top of this… You can cook in it and eat it! And yes when on Keto diets and desperate for chocolate I have had the odd teaspoon of coconut oil straight from the jar as pudding! 

I literally have a jar in what feels like every room!  

And just as a bonus to this post here is a little positive meme from the ladies of young breast cancer forum who I chat with regularly on Facebook! 

 

Blog Post. 

I started writing a blog yesterday about my day! I didn’t get past the first paragraph as life got in the way, and the interruptions of it. You know what, I wouldn’t change the interruptions for anything! 

But basically yesterday I got Late   drafted on to a look good feel better workshop, it’s 2 hours and you get to sit in a room with other women undergoing treatment and get taught to put make-up on to feel better. And if I wasn’t all toxin free I would be super excited by the vast quantity of makeup and products you get! Seriously it is amazing! My only issue is it isn’t paraban free or toxin free but I am going to check them through my think dirty app and see how they all rate. It is a lovely gesture that all these companies: Lancôme, rimmel, Bobby brown, No7 etc. give make up, removers, moisturisers even perfume is given! Into the bags! I do wonder if they do it as a corporate item to offset the bad feelings from all the toxins and carcinogenic chemicals they put in it? And I wonder if in a few years time it will be stopped as it could be hindering women’s recovery? I’m definitely overthinking this I know! But I do honestly find it interesting to think it on a personal and corporate level! 

But the main thing other than the makeup tips and goodies I got was meeting other ladies that are all undergoing treatment. 

It was nice to talk and hear other women on the same journey talking and I think It is something I need to do more! Talk in person with other women undergoing treatment, as I love my friends and family but it’s so easy to talk to others facing the same treatment, how they are doing, feeling lucky I can taste my food and they cant and other such comparisons! 

I would have felt even more normal if it hadn’t been pointed out by one lovely lady that even in this circle it is odd to see such a young lady with ‘IT.’

Side notes: 

I can’t stop eating. 

I’m getting fatter.

This PIC line is ugly, annoying and makes me feel like a patient. 

I’m scared my hair will grow back fuzzy, weird and grey.

I need to focus. 

I repeat I need to stop eating!  

 

Magic Milk and Super Soup.

So, over the weekend I read about ‘Golden Milk’ also known as ‘Magic Milk’ in my brain, which is a magical blend of ingredients that creates a golden coloured drink, and actually next time I think I will add extra chilli, and have it as a soup. It was ok, not amazing but drinkable and with the addition of chilli and reduction in coconut oil I think I will enjoy it even more. You just have to find the blend that works for your tastes.

Magic Milk Recipe:
2 cups almond milk
1 tablespoon coconut oil (this is optional and I will reduce this next time I make it)
1 teaspoon organic ground turmeric
1 cinnamon stick or 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon ( I used a stick but will use ground next time as I just couldn’t taste the cinnamon)
1 teaspoon ground ginger or grated fresh ginger

So, you basically chuck everything into a pan, and boil until it is golden ( I think more florescent yellow tbh).

Tips: leave it to cool down, I burnt my tongue trying to drink it straight away. And it took forever to cool down. Then straight after drink water.

Super Soup:
1 large organic parsnip
3 small organic carrots
1 cup of water
1 teaspoon organic turmeric
5 x organic bitter apricot kernels
Sprinkle of ginger, chilli and black pepper

I blended the veggies, and apricot kernels into a smooth pulp with the water; and then put in a pan to heat and add all the spices. I added cheese, as I believe in a high fat diet so needed to get my fats in. It was tasty and good for me. And meant I had a delicious no meat day.

So the magic ingredient in both my creations was Turmeric. Turmeric is said to inhibit several types of cancer cells ( oesophagus, mouth, intestines, stomach, breast & skin) and slows the growth and spread down. The active ingredient in Turmeric is curcumin, and is an antioxidant that can protect the body’s cells from damage caused by free radicals and interferes with molecular pathways involved in cancer development, growth and spread.
Human studies are in their early stages, and some research even suggests it protects against liver disease, as well as stimulating the gallbladder and circulatory system and can help ward off parasites and bacteria that can build toxins in the body.

So basically, eat & drink turmeric for your general health and to protect against and reduce the growth and spread of cancer. Eat for health, and add herbs and spices to create deliciously tasty meals that can be enjoyed by everyone.
Enjoy!

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