Little Pinkie 

A mini post for the evening, after going for a bike ride! Yes I’m 6 weeks post op and trying to do a little bit of light exercise befor me chemo starts, and hopefully throughout, I looked at my Unchipped nails and thought this non- toxic nail varnish is amazing! 

I have Fluorescent pink non- toxic nails! It’s made from pure water and bees wax and is like a gel finish from a new company called little ondine. 

I tried a different minimised toxin nail varnish but honestly it wasn’t a patch on these that are completely toxic free. 

I now have 3 colours (silver glitter, fluorescent pink and green), I also have the secret base and top coat that adds shine and I reckon keeps them staying on for longer! 

I painted my nails Monday, it’s now Thursday and they are still perfect! 

I cannot recommend these nail polishes enough, they are Melinda proof which is a feat in itself and toxic free and an amazing range of colours!  

 

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That Sick Feeling

That sick feeling just won’t leave me alone at the moment. I know I need my anxiety to just go away, but currently it is at an all time high. Im trying to work and struggling to keep my focus off the dreaded C word. Then when I try to think about it and make a decision, I can’t and procrastinate about other things.

As dramatic as it sounds I feel so frightened to make a decision about what to do as I know it affects other people, and I don’t have the energy to fight my corner at the moment. Honestly I just want someone to tell me what to do. I want a genie to tell me it’s all ok and that I’ll be alive in 5 / 10 /15 years time. That life will be perfect, and I will be on a beach somewhere and this will be a distant memory.

Do I risk a second tumour with egg harvesting or just rely on fate that if I am due children it will happen?

Do I have chemo or not. The test results did not help me as I had hoped they would. I was told I would get a percentage so I had in my head these markers of when I would and wouldn’t have chemo. My results sit in the intermediate risk group. I have a score of 28. And the low return risk is 0-17, intermediate risk of return is 18-30 and high risk is 31+

The scale goes up to 100 so on the face of it; is 28 directly equivalent to 28% return? Or is 28 high in the intermediate group and therefore more medium – high risk as only 3 points off the high risk score of 31 ? I just don’t know so will ask tomorrow when I see my oncologist.

Other factors affect it they keep telling me …. Size of the cancer and my age. But chemo isn’t full proof. It’s not a magic wand that stops you having cancer again. And on top of this, It has so many potential side effects I find it difficult to agree to it, I don’t want to be suffering with brittle teeth and bones in 10 years time, I want to be back running around like a kid again, competing in masters athletics competitions, looking after a family. But on the other hand micronutrients, immunomodulation and toxin free living aren’t full proof either. And I can’t find any directly comparable studies. So I can’t put them against each other. (I know I am airy fairy on the outside but I have a weirdly scientific mind and just want facts and figures, not a game of pot luck).
Or do I combine immunomodulation (wholistic therapies like hypnotherapy, herbs, vitamins) with conventional therapy like chemo, radio and tamoxifen.

And on top of this the time is ticking on my appointment for the fertility institute. Which I have now postponed until after my oncologist appointment.
I just couldn’t start the fertility treatment today to preserve my chances of a child it was too much to deal with. Do I go with an increase risk of a further tumour else where or just leave my body alone and hope. I’ve always wanted kids so I find it tough to decide. I want to safe guard kids in the future but also I want to protect myself at the same time.

It’s tough, and I used to think trying to not eat chocolate on a comp – prep diet was hard!!

Baby Maker.

So first thing this morning, I visited the Women’s Hospital in Birmingham. I still can’t drive so had to get a lift with Cassie, who got up at the crack of dawn to come get me, I have to admit I feel like a proper burden at times!
So we park the car (£4.50 for hospital parking…seriously?!?) and walk out to be faced by the Cancer Centre, I see cancer more and more since my diagnosis, I see so many posters, adverts, I even watched a film that was meant to be a comedy about it … It wasn’t funny by the way, so Netflix need to sort that description out!

Anyway back to the point of my blog, I got probed and prodded, literally, scanned and more blood tests, they must have a whole blood bank from me now. And for the first time given lots of information without asking, and a projected time line.

Now I have to get my head in gear to decided if it is worth harvesting my eggs, In case chemotherapy takes away my fertility for the future and balancing this against the risk of increasing the spread of cancer. I could set of another tumour if I go ahead. My deadline is Wednesday 10am. My first injection will be that day if I choose this path and do I want another operation under general anaesthetic. Will it just happen if it is meant to be?

There are so many things to consider with this, my life is a whirlwind, in every which way, my head doesn’t switch off. And I can only imagine tonight will be another sleepless night for me, my head is in future mode which is weird as most people, including myself tend to look at the past more than future, so it’s a strange feeling to be future dominant.

Is it worth it??? Is a baby in the future worth the risk of setting off more cancer? And then the percentages are decreased for me potentially, as they aren’t allowed to wait for the right time in my cycle, due to my ‘circumstances.’ It’s a case of now has to be the right time.

So to help my decision I called my onchologist’s secretary today asking for my test results from my oncho test. They are in! Eeeekkkkkk. But she isn’t allowed to give me them. Booooo!
So I have asked to be called before Wednesday by my onchologist. I see my him Thursday to determine my treatment pathway, but knowing the results would really help with this decision.

How am I feeling? In one word: Sick. I have these nasty feeling butterflies in my stomach that won’t leave me alone. It’s like when I used to race, all through warming up, I would feel like I was going to be sick, I would be so nervous, it’s that but for longer than an hour!

So I’m waiting for a phone call now. Im not leaving my phones for even a second today. I ate my green soup for lunch, that was yummy and organic, I will post a recipe for it later this week.

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A Proud Day. The Fight Was Worth It.

So sometimes life can feel like a constant battle, yep, I testify to that statement! It can feel like everything and everyone is against you, and nothing goes in your favour. But it isn’t and they aren’t!
Fact is, whatever it concerns, if you know what you want, you will get it by using positive affirmations. Drown yourself in negativity and you will get bad results, and then when you wonder why that didn’t work for me, why don’t I get the cash, the relationship, the car I want? Well, you would if you just know what you want, believe you deserve it and ask for it and you will receive it. If you haven’t read the secret, or watched the movie, go check it out on netflics tonight.
So I have plenty of things I want, but the most crucial at the moment, is to do with my decision making, I have constantly said to everyone, I need a percentage, I need facts and figures to make my decision. I can’t go ahead with chemotherapy on the basis that I’m young, it just isn’t enough for me.
But I have asked, pushed, fought my corner all the way along with the NHS. And honourably ever request and argument I have given they have conceded too, they probably see my name on paper now and get as anxious as I do about going in to see them. I might be scared on the inside but I do my best to act fierce to them and I am so pleased to say they have put me forward for the genomic cancer test. It is expensive, a whopping £2,800 and is normally privately funded, but I am pleased to say, I am the first person in the country to get it paid for by the NHS, since its introduction into the system on the 30th March. So as this is now part of the system, if you are struggling with a chemotherapy decision, please ask your consultant if you are eligible for the test and if you can have it. Put your foot down, make them understand it is your life and you need to know! If like me you struggle to say it in person, the emotion gets to you, take a few days and compose an email, or letter to the consultant and team.
Knowledge is power! And doing my research has paid off! I find out in 2 weeks how effective chemotherapy will be for me in reducing my risk of getting cancer again.
Life is a funny thing, and I have learned through this that you have to respect and love yourself, I just wish I had sooner!

Genomic test reference:
http://www.cancercenter.com/treatments/genomic-tumor-assessment/

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