That sick feeling just won’t leave me alone at the moment. I know I need my anxiety to just go away, but currently it is at an all time high. Im trying to work and struggling to keep my focus off the dreaded C word. Then when I try to think about it and make a decision, I can’t and procrastinate about other things.

As dramatic as it sounds I feel so frightened to make a decision about what to do as I know it affects other people, and I don’t have the energy to fight my corner at the moment. Honestly I just want someone to tell me what to do. I want a genie to tell me it’s all ok and that I’ll be alive in 5 / 10 /15 years time. That life will be perfect, and I will be on a beach somewhere and this will be a distant memory.

Do I risk a second tumour with egg harvesting or just rely on fate that if I am due children it will happen?

Do I have chemo or not. The test results did not help me as I had hoped they would. I was told I would get a percentage so I had in my head these markers of when I would and wouldn’t have chemo. My results sit in the intermediate risk group. I have a score of 28. And the low return risk is 0-17, intermediate risk of return is 18-30 and high risk is 31+

The scale goes up to 100 so on the face of it; is 28 directly equivalent to 28% return? Or is 28 high in the intermediate group and therefore more medium – high risk as only 3 points off the high risk score of 31 ? I just don’t know so will ask tomorrow when I see my oncologist.

Other factors affect it they keep telling me …. Size of the cancer and my age. But chemo isn’t full proof. It’s not a magic wand that stops you having cancer again. And on top of this, It has so many potential side effects I find it difficult to agree to it, I don’t want to be suffering with brittle teeth and bones in 10 years time, I want to be back running around like a kid again, competing in masters athletics competitions, looking after a family. But on the other hand micronutrients, immunomodulation and toxin free living aren’t full proof either. And I can’t find any directly comparable studies. So I can’t put them against each other. (I know I am airy fairy on the outside but I have a weirdly scientific mind and just want facts and figures, not a game of pot luck).
Or do I combine immunomodulation (wholistic therapies like hypnotherapy, herbs, vitamins) with conventional therapy like chemo, radio and tamoxifen.

And on top of this the time is ticking on my appointment for the fertility institute. Which I have now postponed until after my oncologist appointment.
I just couldn’t start the fertility treatment today to preserve my chances of a child it was too much to deal with. Do I go with an increase risk of a further tumour else where or just leave my body alone and hope. I’ve always wanted kids so I find it tough to decide. I want to safe guard kids in the future but also I want to protect myself at the same time.

It’s tough, and I used to think trying to not eat chocolate on a comp – prep diet was hard!!