I started writing a blog yesterday about my day! I didn’t get past the first paragraph as life got in the way, and the interruptions of it. You know what, I wouldn’t change the interruptions for anything!
But basically yesterday I got Late drafted on to a look good feel better workshop, it’s 2 hours and you get to sit in a room with other women undergoing treatment and get taught to put make-up on to feel better. And if I wasn’t all toxin free I would be super excited by the vast quantity of makeup and products you get! Seriously it is amazing! My only issue is it isn’t paraban free or toxin free but I am going to check them through my think dirty app and see how they all rate. It is a lovely gesture that all these companies: Lancôme, rimmel, Bobby brown, No7 etc. give make up, removers, moisturisers even perfume is given! Into the bags! I do wonder if they do it as a corporate item to offset the bad feelings from all the toxins and carcinogenic chemicals they put in it? And I wonder if in a few years time it will be stopped as it could be hindering women’s recovery? I’m definitely overthinking this I know! But I do honestly find it interesting to think it on a personal and corporate level!
But the main thing other than the makeup tips and goodies I got was meeting other ladies that are all undergoing treatment.
It was nice to talk and hear other women on the same journey talking and I think It is something I need to do more! Talk in person with other women undergoing treatment, as I love my friends and family but it’s so easy to talk to others facing the same treatment, how they are doing, feeling lucky I can taste my food and they cant and other such comparisons!
I would have felt even more normal if it hadn’t been pointed out by one lovely lady that even in this circle it is odd to see such a young lady with ‘IT.’
I can’t stop eating.
I’m getting fatter.
This PIC line is ugly, annoying and makes me feel like a patient.
I’m scared my hair will grow back fuzzy, weird and grey.
I need to focus.
I repeat I need to stop eating!
So I can shower now! Result. So I am sat here for the first time in 2 weeks feeling properly clean, thanks to my Dr Berry coconut shower gel and moisturiser.
I smell positively tropical, and in true girl style I contemplated MY world for half hour with the water beating over my head.
In short my shower, was where I contemplated life. What I want in life. A bit heavy for a Tuesday morning I know. But yesterday I was delivered the test results from my team: the surgeon, the breast care nurse and the consulting doctor.
In short it’s worse than expected. But, there are positives. It has been upped a grade, from 2 to 3, meaning it is more aggressive than was first thought. The main tumour is a whopping 40mm and there was no ‘safe zone’ so to speak. The tumour hits the chest wall. Which, I am making assumptions here, I’m no doctor, but I assume that probably means a higher risk of spread potential.
There is also something called lypho-vascular invasion. Which means that throughout the left breast the cancer has spread in every ‘block from medial to lateral and including beneath the nipple’. Basically it was summarised to me “wherever cancer could settle it has.”
The good news, yes there is some! It didn’t infiltrate my lymph nodes, which means it hasn’t spread through my lymphatic system which is one of the main risks of breast cancer, the lymph under the arm pit is so close it can spread fast into the system and then becomes harder to treat due to secondary tumours. The second bit of good news, there was no cancer in my right breast, which post MRI Scan there had been a scare that it was present.
So two bad, two good. So I guess we could say Im neutral, but it didn’t and still doesn’t feel like that. I know I am miss positivity and I truly believe a positive head will get me through this, but sometimes you have to ride the wave of emotion and just accept the inner sadness, anger and fear. And then come out fighting with a smile on your face.
Treatment: They are strongly recommending chemotherapy, radiotherapy and 5 years of hormones – tamoxifen. Quite a daunting prospect at 30. Especially when you haven’t been married or had children and have nothing behind you, due to appalling personal circumstances that I may well write about one day. But that won’t be today.
I continue to hold the belief that chemotherapy is not always the be all and end all of treatment, and is one of the ‘standard’ treatments that are dished out to all, without individual thought for a treatment plan as well as that your quality of life at the time and post treatment is reduced.
So the stresses are big and very real and keeping stress free is critical to reducing your acidity in the body. So meditation has become a must for me.
And, my non-traditional research continues, I am in the process of arranging to speak with a doctor in Malaysia who is an expert in cellular medicine used to treat cancer. As well as exploring vitamin c and micronutrients.
I will also explore the traditional methods, I’m not casting aside conventional medicine or what the benefits are, I just want all the information before I make decisions as to if I have chemotherapy or not; or if I combine chemotherapy with alternative treatments such as the vitamin C IV Drips.
I have always hated being pressured into doing things, and I do currently feel like I am being backed into a corner by the medical profession and now my parents, who once supported my choices and now seem to think I am doing things because people are telling me too. Which is not the case. I’m just not comfortable putting my life in peoples hands when I don’t know all the facts and figures, my late running coach, always used to say he had to explain everything to me more than others as I always wanted to understand the reason and the benefits to certain types of training sessions. Ultimately, it’s my body, my life and my future. It’s me it is happening to and responsibility of what course of treatment I go with is on me, I have to own it, believe it and know I’m doing the best for me!