Long winter day! Cozy winter night!ย 

So it’s been a long winter Monday, not a bad day, a decent day but a long tiring one! Those sort of days. So when I came home to an empty warm home and full fridge, I was honestly like …. This is bliss! 

I jumped in the shower and used my new shampoo and conditioner, that I received for my birthday months ago from the lovely Fiona, but as my hair has been non-existent you don’t tend to use much shampoo so this year I have literally only got through one lot of shampoo and conditioner. 

My new one is very spa smelling!  It’s fushi’s  Arman and Amalaki herbal shampoo. Full of lots of amazing stuff like vitamin b5 argan oil and is lovely for my new baby hair!   

And since I’ve been using it everyone has commented how thick my hair is, so i reckon it’s working a treat for my hair! I also rub the Fushi’s really good hair oil  (also from Fiona) into my little locks after a shower! It’s meant to be put on the night before and you wash it out but I just use it all the time! Before bed when I wake up! 

 
All the fushi products I use are free from parabans and chemicals and full of good stuff! 
  
Look at all that hair, and yes I now have a grey patch! But that’s what hair dye is for! (Eventually) 

So, post shower I slipped on my new cozy slippers and painted my nails in my favourite sparkly little Ondine non- toxic nail varnish with a cup of pukka organic herbal tea and a copy of vogue! 

   
   

I’m in my little world of quiet winter cozy night happiness. 

 

Sunshine is coming.ย 

  
So, I’ve been really melancholy the past few days, and if I haven’t been ‘meh’ then I’ve been raging or if I haven’t been raging I’ve been sick. So this last week really had taken a turn for the worst as I start the 5 year journey on tamoxifen. 

Can I handle it? Well honestly I’m not sure. But I’ve only done 6-7 days so I’m giving it a chance. I’ve had the sickness and headaches that was so bad one day this week I didn’t get out of bed apart from to be sick. 

Poor old Cassie had to be my nurse again, running off to the chemist for migrane tablets to try to take the edge off the pain. It’s made me feel like I’m never going to be free from this disease and its side effects. 

I look at my finger nails and they are pulling away from the beds, my head and stomach have finally settled but I feel like I’m recovering from the flu, all fatigued and emotional, when at the start of the week I felt lovely. I mean I felt full of energy and its like its all drained away and all I feel capable of is to lie down and rest… Wrapped up as I’m freezing (but in layers so that when the hot flashes hit I can get cool!) 

I shouldn’t moan I’m a mere handful (large handful) of days away from a sunshine holiday and I honestly can’t wait to go. I can’t wait to be laying by the pool and chilling out. 2 weeks in the sunshine is definitely needed after this year! 

I’ve been 70/30 good / bad eating most of my 30 is the odd drink to be honest and pasta… Not that pasta is bad but it doesn’t fit with the keto diet I like to practice to reduce my chances of the dreaded C coming back plus it’s what makes me feel the best in myself. I practice a moderate keto diet so it’s probably more of what you would called a balanced diet that favours vegetables and fats rather than favouring protein or complex carbs. I think I should probably address it as a balanced diet from now on as sometimes when things are labelled people fear what you are doing is a fad diet or this or that but my current eating habits have come from the path of a former strict keto diet. 

But this style of eating has meant that even though I’m on medication and I can’t train how I used to, I have still lost 7ibs in 4 weeks and am safely under the 11stone milestone I wanted to be. Now for a couple more weeks I want to tip the balance back to 80/20% so 80% good rather than 70 and see if I can loose another couple of pounds. The new medication I’m on, tamoxifen, can cause weight gain but I’m hoping that won’t happen to me. I’m pretty sure it will be holiday weight gain not medication! ๐Ÿ™ˆ

Right I’m going to move my butt cheeks and start digging out the summer clothes! A summer holiday in winter… This is going to be weird!  

   
Training face from earlier in the week! 
  
Nails from a couple of weeks ago… They look even worse now ๐Ÿ™ˆ but hopefully they will sort themselves out. 

I finished active treatment. ย 

So it’s approaching Halloween and last week I finished active treatment. And nothing feels any different apart from I don’t have to go to hospital. It’s one of those things you wait for and think the world is going to be amazing the day I finish treatment but it isn’t. The world hasn’t changed but over 2015 I have. 

A magic grey cloud has not been lifted from me and I wonder if my body’s functionality (weight is a totally seperate issue) will ever actually return. My brain is useless my aches and pains from simple things are ridiculous, my fingernails appear to be starting to fall off! (Yes fall off now 7-8 weeks after my last chemo!) and well will my periods and womanhood ever return who knows. 

On a day to day basis I’m generally happy, but I have to admit since I finished treatment I have flat out ugly cried twice (that’s in the space of a week). It’s a funny old time where I sort of want recognition for battling on, for smiling, for getting through it and you want to recognise and give thanks to those who were there but you don’t have the words or the ideas (as your brain doesn’t work) and on top of that you know you have to start picking the pieces up of life and move forward but there is a fear that you can’t. Or I suppose there is the lack of motivation to want too. 

I am very grateful for all my flowers, cards  and well wishes I have received!  

 
It may only take 10 seconds to post a well done/ hooray on Facebook but it is a great boost and I appreciate it. I even had a surprise meal organised for me by Cassie which was lovely and a total surprise! And the food and company was lovely! And I’ve never had a surprise meal or a party before! I know 31 and no big parties but I was always worried no one would come if I had one so best to avoid the disappointment! So a meal for me, with balloons (I love balloons) was brilliant! Thank you Cass. 

  
So now it is time to stop the little random moments of upset that creep up on me. 

Next step… Appointment for hormone pills ( can’t wait for that one!) 

I’m definitely in a mehhh state for breast cancer awareness month (October) and wonder if I will be like this every October when people are throwing tea parties and walking with pink tutus on, especially after reading an article today from a lady with similar thoughts. 

But on the other hand I know my life through my cancer-year has been a happy one emotionally, I barely got upset, I relaxed more than I normally would even when I was aching my mind wasn’t stressed, and I had amazing people around me so why  am I feeling a bit off now I have finished? 

Oh well, by this afternoon I probably won’t even remember I felt like this (chemo brain) ! And as soon as this red patch from the radiotherapy is finished I’m going on a sunbed to get warm to my bones! 

  

Hair. &. Tired.ย 

My hair grew back. Then fell out again ๐Ÿ™ˆ not all of it! Just parts of it. Including my eyebrows and eye lashes. Typically my under arm hair is coming back and my leg hair never stopped growing! 

  
I wish my hair wasn’t on the pillow again! I suppose you feel better when it isn’t falling out. And having the marker of the ‘last chemo’ did make me feel like I was getting somewhere that the hardcore treatment was over. But I suppose you forget it isn’t over I still have the side effects, the medication to elliviate the side effects, the injections for bloods. And I’m tired! I mean really tired! 

I’ve been for a walk the last 3 days and now I’m lay down on the sofa just tired and not wanting to move. 

When can I eat rare steak again? Pate, soft cheese, seafood? All the foods I wasn’t allowed to on chemo? I guess it is a while yet? When my bloods are back to normal? But how do I know when that will be as they don’t test you after chemo, when you have already had your operation.. So it’s a guessing game… Am I cured, will I worry forever more, will my hair ever stop falling out! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ 

Will I feel full of life ever again? 

  

Sleep, glorious sleep.ย 

So some of you may or may not know I have become quite a night owl due to the post chemo steroids and then injections, and then just the aftermath of it leaving my body. It’s about 7-10 days of mindless nothingness and is some what annoying. 

On Tuesday or Wednesday of last week I went to see a lovely woman called Fiona, who practises Reiki, I was late (standard) but as a fellow breast cancer sufferer she spoke to me anyway and gave me a top tip about lavender and it can help you sleep! 2 drops of oil on a tissue (which I did and popped it under my pillow after I sniffed it a few times) or on the pillow case (no more as it will cause over stimulation) and it can also make your hair grow back quicker ( I’m not sure if that is through rubbing it on or sniffing it .well I am already finding coconut oil a good speed inducer for hair growth). 

So I dutifully enjoyed my chat and mini reiki with Fiona and will be going back for more! (She is wonderful gives 3 free sessions to other women who have gone through / or going through breast cancer and really cares).  

So off I popped home, had treatment, and scurried off to the shop I have bough spiritual  stones and gifts from in the past but today I was there to see if the lady behind the counter sold lavender oil… Which she did! Hoorarh ๐ŸŽ‰ she also told me a purple amethyst stone under my pill (after I cleansed it in water) would help me sleep and calm my energies. So dutifully I purchased the two that cost me all of ยฃ3! Well worth the trip to but them. 

So last night, after my new advice (gentle telling off from my nurse) I took my steroid tablets earlier 7am and 6pm (it’s meant to be before 2pm but I forgot) I took two sleeping pills that my onchologist recommended. I used my old eye mask trick and ear plugs and I was alsleep from 12 – 8am (missing my steroid by an hour but I got up straight away and took them! 

So I’m feeling pretty happy that I trusted in my normal methods of doing it all and something or all of it will work. But I have to say the lavender was a lovely peaceful smell to have by me. Very calming and relaxing I would advise anyone to get some lavender and an amethyst crystal! For ยฃ3 it really can’t hurt giving it a try.  

 

This heat though!ย 

Omg this heat today has killed me! I’ve been feeling sick since last night my back is killing me, my head is throbbing, my mouth is all swelled up and I’m getting hot flushes in 30 degree heat! I want to strangle the sun! How old do I sound … 31 going on 101! 

  
 I know, I know,  I normally love the heat but this tax chemo and me are not getting on and just look at his smug smiley sunny face! ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

I’m currently lay in a dark room with the window wide open and a fan blasting on me! But alas I’ll moan when it’s cold …. You watch! I’m so British aren’t I! ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ˜‚ 

But on another note, if I wasn’t feeling so hot and bothered and pained…. mentally I am feeling a lot better and am even looking forward to my mouth being better so I can eat all the pork scratchings my mom and dad bought me last night! Yes pork scratchings… I love them! A proper Black Country snack straight from the butcher! No they probably aren’t organic but they are butchers ones not packet ones! ๐Ÿ™ˆ

They came to see me after my hospital appointment yesterday that ran a bit late when me and Cassie got chatting in a toilet to a newly diagnosed breast cancer patient from the same town as where I am living! Then we played supermarket sweep and then raced home! 

Positives this week…my dad is finally feeling a bit better so he could drive them to see me! And I went out bald… No hat, no scarf, no wig! Cooksey’s are on the up! 

Blog version 29… Cute puppy alert!ย 

That’s it,  I can’t blog today or all week. I’ve tried so many times my head hurts as much as my back now and my hands are dead from holding the phone in this position! 

I have to many ramblings in my head… If anyone would like a debate a random muzzing conversation about judgement, food, fitness professionals, mob mentality, life after cancer, being 31, needing a tan, loving monster munch or wants to bring me a cup of tea…. Feel free to pop in! 

Thanks 

Melinda 

P.s. This is the crappest blog post ever! I tried, I failed, I have nothing and too much to write about all at the same time! 

P.p.s here’s a photo of a puppy to make you smile!

  

  

Food glorious food.ย 

So I’m trying to be healthy … Ish… While I can. The steroids have finished and this worries me! As last time they finished I was basically in bed for a week solid in agony, and I’m scared this will happen again! 

So I’m trying to do my oil pulling of coconut oil for 15 minutes, I have new mouth thrush mouthwash, my white blood cells injections have been delayed until Monday and hopefully cross fingers I will feel bit better this time around! 

I also got so down that I have picked back up my old antidepressants up but I really want counselling not tablets but I’m going to try and to resist taking them and really pick up on my brain health in other ways. Food, herbs, oil pulling, everything I can do to keep my brain functioning a little happier and healthier. 

But who knows. What will be will be. 

So today I have oil pulled with coconut oil for 15 minutes, and had my left over organic food from yesterday! (Reheated in the pan not the microwave!) 

 

chicken thighs pan backed in herbs, with organic veggie medley of squash, tomatoes, red onions, mushrooms.   

Left over organic veggie medley with added black olives and crispy bacon. 

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It’s true, you probably aren’t meant to say it. I am good, I am a winner, I am strong… But I am! I know I’m not meant to, but I find myself tonight watching a film that made me cry, AGAIN, seriously how can every film seem to have cancer in it, seem to have family and friends and seem to make me cry. It’s not normal. Or maybe, just maybe it is.

I am scared of chemo 6. Tax 2. I admit tax 1 got me, it had me in bed for what felt like a week but was probably more like 5 days. Not straight away but as the oncologist said on Monday just gone, when the steroids wear off the pain starts, “can you do this?” Of course my answer is “YES”. My answer has always been yes to hard questions, I’ve had my fair share of pain in the past. And I’ve always gone at it, I’ve always dealt with it, quietly and appropriately.

God, I would loose a race (I used to run fast on the track) I’d spend the next two days in bed sobbing I hadn’t run to my potential and by Tuesday, my first track session, I would get up and arrive at the track for 6.30pm I would take the banter of the group (God how I miss them all!) and I would warm up and coach (Rog) would say to me “a technique session or a speed endurance session” the answer… Always….. A speed endurance session, I would train so hard I would be sick half way through, or have an asthma attack and have to be helped to breathe and I would stop being sick or regain my breathe and be back on that track. That’s me……. That’s melinda….. That is an athlete….. That is a fighter…. ( all athletes respond this way, well I’d say most, a tear shed, then a training session to make you feel pain so hard in your legs only an athlete can understand ….. Or so you think….. Chemo is a deeper pain, it hits your bones your muscles, teeth, cheeks, finger nails, but all my life I prepared myself for pain.

Running isn’t just it, I remember being told my sister was the pretty one, my sister was the clever one, I was the sporty one…. When probably she was all of them but God I tried, I studied I would be up until 3-4am studying to get my psychology degree, my masters in marketing, I then went on to do bikini competitions (blatantly to get some sort of recognition for being pretty) and never placed out the top 2 except once I came 5th and once I came second call out in nationals (with a home made bikini, and I knew no one p, I had no influence, I just worked my ass off) so I beat all the things people told me I wasn’t, with obviously my battles along the way!

What does this have to do with crying at movies and being scared about my next chemo and how much it hurts, well deep down I know. I know that I wouldn’t have it any other way, I’m the fighter, I can take the battle, and emotionally I couldn’t cope seeing someone I love, someone close to me go through it.

I applaud every single person that lets me tell them I’m having a crap day, that I’m in pain, stressed, upset, that lets me cry to them because 90% of people I know, don’t see the fear, or the pain, they don’t need to see it, because what do I gain from telling them, pity, yeah I do want it sometimes, attention, yeah i do want that sometimes too, but I wasn’t raised that way. And good old British working class values stick with you.

My good old British response to most people “I’m fine/ I’m good, thanks” some times I say “I’m a bit tired” but that’s as far as it gets to most, because I’m a fighter and a winner and winners and fighters don’t moan, they get on with it and in the words of Nike they ‘just do it’.

I have had so many battles in my life, not just on the running track, not just studying, but I am too much of a winner to give a blog all my pain, all my suffering and all my joy too, as let’s be honest probably if I’m lucky 12 people read it, that’s if I’m lucky read!

One day I’ll write a book, one day I’ll get 100 comments on a blog, or 1000 likes on my Facebook page and Instagram, who knows! Crazier things have happened! But while I write this, and I live through this, at least I know I’m the right girl for the job, scared …..f&ยฃk yeah! A quitter….. NEVER!

So, Chemo 6 tomorrow, a steroid induced hot flush….. A dread in my belly, a tear in my eye, and a fight in my soul….. So here goes the next 7 days. To my rock – cassie, to my mom and dad, sister, bro -in -law, nephews , to my amazing friends – you know who you are…. I’ll make a list when it isn’t midnight and I need to sleep ( but needed to write this blog off my head, that’s been spinning inside for the last hour of the film) , to my chemo buddy, to my pink sisters, to my well wishers, to the good people of the world…. Let’s just keep fighting and winning our battles, doing the right thing, and being water (Taoism).

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Grumpy, Tired, & Useless.

So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.

A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go ๐Ÿ˜ฉ of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.

I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!

I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.

Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!

So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!

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