So today much like yesterday I feel grumpy, tired and useless. I feel like everything I say and do is wrong. That all I want to do is sleep. When I have lots of time to cook and clean I just don’t feel like I have the get up and go. I don’t like the thought of food, but I’m hungry. So veggies and tomato based sources are all I can stand the thought of eating.
A lovely lady said to me, chemo four was her worst, (not her exact words lol) but it is, and I have 3 more to go 😩 of tax. I will spell the proper name when I am up for googling that.
I take everything to heart, I want to go and figure out some sort of amazing motivating calling in life but I can’t even be energetic enough to move out of bed. All I want to do is sleep and I know I shouldn’t as it makes me feel worse, and then I don’t sleep at night. And when I do sleep at night I have nightmares. I have dreamt the craziest things and I don’t want to be dreaming them as they all leave me in pain or dead! I’m not even joking, it’s ridiculous! My brain is having a melt down about cancer, life and just dealing with all this. I worry if I eat too much dairy I’m making myself I’ll, if I have a beer or glass of wine I’m going to boost cancer, that if I do anything it will spread, or if it’s gone it will come back, or if it has spread, what tests should the hospital be doing. I go for treatment but no one X-rays me, or tests me what if I am all clear, what if I am not. What if, what if, what if…. Seriously I am driving my self insane. I shouldn’t be thinking these things, but it is all consuming!
I’m narky, I’m irritable, I’m upset and crying most days and I have no way to rationalise this whole stupid situation. I want to be at work, doing what I do, I want to be in the gym working out not feeling exhausted, I want to be on holiday, I want to be me…. Not this shell of a girl who feels like I’m not good enough at anything. That feels ugly, fat and useless on top of feeling just yuck I feel like I can’t concentrate on anything for very long at the moment.
Moan moan moan. All I do is moan….. So I need to seriously stop this downtrodden thinking, it does nothing for your spirit, your positivity, your toxin free environment … But as I think I have said from the beginning this toxin free journey is that…. I’m not perfect, I’m giving it my best shot and don’t have all the answers, and probably never will, but I can try!
So at some point I am going to figure a way of making this blog more about helping others than about my stupid rants of how emotional I am and tired. I need to sort my life out! Not today though …. I’m ranting!