Tears and tantrums, turned away from a spa, and a heat wave.

So i haven’t written for a while as I had a bit of a wobble last week, I went running and just poured with tears and returned home to cry some more, Cass the ever compassionate girl she is told me I’m not pretty when I cry and to stop it! She then went on to sit on the phone to help me try to sort some funding streams as statutory sick pay of ┬ú88 a week is pretty hard to live on to be honest! So hopefully some of the phone calls will have paid off and if they have ill treat her to BBQ!

Two days after this breakdown me and Cass headed to Stratford manor spa for a relaxing break, and I filled out my forms, ticked all the boxes, and got changed then walked to my massage like five minutes after changing into my swimsuit ( I haven’t owned a swimsuit since I was about 16 … Always bikinis! )

So I rocked up to the treatment room to be told I couldn’t be massaged, apparently they will spread the cancer, when I pointed out the guardian had just this week had an article saying this to be untrue and that Mcmillian offer massage as part of treatment, I was still told no and subsequently sobbed like a child, because on top of this the therapist couldn’t give me a facial or any other treatment, I felt like a social outcast that is contagious. You won’t catch cancer from me and even offering to call my doctors wasn’t good enough they wanted written clarification, which they don’t state on their website and don’t mention on the phone when you book. I’m not saying they should say do you have cancer or anything like that but maybe a simple… Do you have any medical or physical conditions currently being treated by medical professionals or physiotherapists etc.then the spa could look into it and call you back before you drive all the way to your destination. I was so ashamed, and poor Cass had driven us all the way there and refused to stay for her treatment because I couldn’t have one. I suppose walking out to her with tears in my eyes might not have helped. We even had to argue to get a refund! I mean first of all they said they would give me a goodie bag, and never did then I had to argue to get a full refund and not just a part refund. They just made the whole event so shameful and I will never go back there! Or any of the q hotels. They shamed me so now I will shun them!

So after this, we went to see a newly married friend instead and then went out, and yes I had a few drinks because I had been traumatised that day! 2 days later I had a day and a half migraine and didn’t get out of bed for a day!

So now a few days on and a meet up with a good friend, a comedy show (dapper laughs) and the purchase of a really tall fan later I’m feeling better. Headache is gone, and im melting in the heatwave but managed to sit outside and catch a little tan with my factor 30 on!

Now to count down the days to blood tests on Thursday and chemo Friday, I think Friday I’m going to ask about my hand again as it’s still sore and something is definitely not right with it!

Oh and in excitingly positive news my hair seems to be growing back, I look like a fluffy baby duck, but it’s exciting! What isn’t exciting is hearing that chemo – t that I start in 3-4 weeks is the one that makes you loose your eyebrows and eyelashes and makes you ache! So I have one more FEC (my extra one) and then the t starts.

Off I go now! I need to watch my programme ­čÖł ……my kitchen rules australia…. Seriously addicted to this and love island! And I don’t care who knows!





Chemo 3, Day 5.

So I’m not honestly feeling my upbeat self, I appear to have no energy and just feel really low and if I am honest a bit depressed. I do think it is mainly in my head, the old black dog as they call it, rearing its ugly head.

Partly I think it is because I know I want to pick up a book and read, but the motivation to do it seems to elude me lately. I have these pains in my cheeks, jaw, shoulders and neck that just feel weird, it was like last night I could feel the chemo circling my upper parameters of my body, and I started half sleep, half wake dreaming of my grandad. It felt strange this morning to know I had dreamt of being a child stealing my grandad’s roll up cigarettes and hiding them, it was, I think, the only time I heard him tell me off and everyone panic ­čśé but that memory soon changed to his last moments and so today I feel like I want to cry but can’t seem too.

I don’t really try to pretend I don’t have to deal with this situation, I don’t think of myself as sick. And truth be told I could tell you a dozen examples of people, including complete strangers that tell me or others that I don’t look sick. What I do find difficult is at the moment people seem to ask is the treatment working? And I know people ask questions (so are you getting better? Is it working? ) because they care. But the hospital don’t test you or tell you those sort of things, you just have to have blind faith that it is. And mostly I don’t think about it. But since this PIC line has gone in I have felt more like a patient and less like me. But maybe that is just the first few days of chemo 3 and adjusting to this thing in my arm.

I have seen a few Facebook posts about the new breast cancer now campaign and if I am honest I don’t like them. I suppose it is just to close to home, and real. They actually called me about doing it, but on requesting if I would show my scars I politely declined that and I am very glad I am not involved. Not because I don’t think it will benefit the future but for my own personal reason.

The fact that I keep seeing all the figures about death rates, secondary cancers and such at the moment is hard. And I don’t much enjoy that side of this whole process. I have and will continue to try to focus on the positives…. Like…… I don’t need to buy shampoo, or shave my arms etc. but some days, I just feel like curling up and not talking, not socialising, and not leaving my bed. For no other reason than CANCER SUCKS.